Every parent has been there—your toddler is having a meltdown in the grocery store, refusing to put on shoes, or throwing food across the kitchen for the third time today. In these moments of frustration, certain phrases slip out of our mouths almost automatically. While these words might seem harmless or even necessary for discipline, many common parenting phrases can actually disconnect us from our children and make challenging behaviors worse.
The way we speak to our toddlers doesn’t just affect their immediate behavior—it shapes how they see themselves, how they learn to express emotions, and how they’ll communicate with others throughout their lives. The good news? Small shifts in our language can create profound changes in our relationship with our little ones, leading to more cooperation, better emotional regulation, and deeper connection.
1. Stop Saying: “Stop Crying” or “Don’t Be Sad”
Why This Doesn’t Work: When we tell toddlers to stop expressing their emotions, we’re essentially teaching them that their feelings are wrong or unwelcome. Toddlers cry because they don’t yet have the vocabulary or emotional regulation skills to express their big feelings any other way. Dismissing their tears sends the message that their emotions are too much for us to handle, which can lead to emotional suppression or even bigger outbursts later.
Research shows that children who are allowed to express their emotions in a safe environment actually develop better emotional regulation skills over time. When we shut down their natural emotional expression, we’re missing valuable opportunities to teach them about feelings and help them develop healthy coping mechanisms.
What to Say Instead: “I can see you’re really upset. It’s okay to feel sad/angry/frustrated. Tell me what’s happening.” or “Those are some big feelings! I’m here with you while you feel them.” This validates their emotional experience while offering your presence and support. You’re teaching them that all feelings are acceptable, even if all behaviors aren’t.
2. Stop Saying: “Because I Said So”
Why This Doesn’t Work: While this phrase might end an argument quickly, it teaches children that authority should be followed blindly without understanding. Toddlers are naturally curious and want to understand the world around them—including the rules they’re expected to follow. “Because I said so” shuts down their natural desire to learn and can breed resentment or rebellion as they get older.
This approach also misses opportunities to help your toddler develop critical thinking skills and understand the reasoning behind rules. Children who understand why rules exist are more likely to follow them willingly and internalize the values behind them.
What to Say Instead: “Let me explain why this rule is important…” or “We don’t touch the stove because it’s hot and could hurt you.” Take a moment to give age-appropriate explanations. For very young toddlers, keep it simple: “Hitting hurts. We use gentle touches.” This helps them understand cause and effect while respecting their intelligence and natural curiosity.
3. Stop Saying: “You’re Being Bad” or “Bad Boy/Girl”
Why This Doesn’t Work: Labeling a child as “bad” attacks their character rather than addressing the specific behavior that needs to change. Toddlers are still developing their sense of self, and these labels can become part of their internal narrative. A child who frequently hears they’re “bad” may start to believe it and act accordingly, creating a negative cycle that’s hard to break.
This type of language also doesn’t give children any information about what they should do differently. It focuses on shame rather than learning, which actually makes it less likely that the behavior will improve. Children learn better when they feel safe and connected, not when they’re flooded with shame.
What to Say Instead: “That behavior isn’t okay. Let’s try again.” or “I don’t like it when you throw toys. Toys are for playing, not throwing. What can we do with this toy instead?” This separates the child from the behavior, making it clear that while you don’t approve of what they did, you still love and accept them as a person.
4. Stop Saying: “Hurry Up!” (Constantly)
Why This Doesn’t Work: Toddlers operate on a completely different timeline than adults. Their brains are still developing the executive function skills needed for quick transitions and time awareness. Constantly rushing them creates anxiety and stress, which actually makes them move slower and become less cooperative. It also sends the message that efficiency is more important than their developmental needs.
When children feel constantly hurried, they can become anxious and start to associate daily activities with stress. This can lead to more resistance and meltdowns, making everyone’s day more difficult.
What to Say Instead: “We need to leave in five minutes. What do you need to do to get ready?” or “Let’s see if we can put on our shoes before I count to ten!” Turn necessary tasks into games or give them advance warning. For younger toddlers, try “First shoes, then car!” to help them understand the sequence of events without the pressure of rushing.
5. Stop Saying: “Big Boys/Girls Don’t Do That”
Why This Doesn’t Work: This phrase puts unnecessary pressure on children to suppress age-appropriate behaviors and emotions. It suggests that being “big” means hiding natural feelings or needs, which can lead to emotional suppression and shame about normal developmental behaviors. Every child develops at their own pace, and comparing them to an arbitrary standard of “big kid” behavior can be damaging to their self-esteem.
This type of language also dismisses their current developmental stage. A three-year-old who still needs comfort or has accidents isn’t failing to be “big”—they’re being exactly the age they are, with all the needs and challenges that come with it.
What to Say Instead: “I can see this is hard for you. What do you need right now?” or “Everyone learns things at their own pace, and that’s okay.” Focus on meeting them where they are developmentally rather than pushing them to be older than they are. Acknowledge their efforts: “You’re working so hard to learn this new skill!”
6. Stop Saying: “You’re Okay” (When They’re Clearly Not)
Why This Doesn’t Work: When a toddler falls down, gets scared, or feels upset, telling them “you’re okay” when they’re clearly not dismisses their experience and teaches them not to trust their own feelings. It sends the message that their emotional reality doesn’t matter or that they should hide their true feelings to make others comfortable.
This phrase, while well-intentioned, can actually prolong emotional distress because the child feels misunderstood and unseen. It also misses opportunities to teach emotional vocabulary and coping skills.
What to Say Instead: “That really startled you!” or “I saw you fall. Do you need a hug?” Acknowledge what actually happened and validate their experience. You can assess if they’re physically injured while still honoring their emotional response: “Let me check if you’re hurt. I can see that fall was scary.”
7. Stop Saying: “If You Don’t Stop, We’re Leaving”
Why This Doesn’t Work: Empty threats erode trust and teach children that your words don’t have meaning. If you frequently threaten consequences you can’t or won’t follow through on, your child learns to ignore your boundaries. Additionally, threatening to leave can create anxiety and fear of abandonment, especially in young children who don’t yet understand that you would never actually leave them.
These types of threats also don’t address the root cause of the behavior or teach better alternatives. They rely on fear rather than connection and understanding.
What to Say Instead: “I can see you’re having trouble following our store rules. Let’s take a break and talk about what you need.” If you do need to leave, make it about meeting their needs rather than punishment: “It seems like you need some quiet time. Let’s head home where you can rest.” Give one clear, enforceable boundary: “We can stay if you’re able to use your walking feet. If not, we’ll need to leave and try again another day.”
Making the Shift: Gentle Implementation Tips
Start Small:
Choose one phrase to work on at a time. Changing everything at once can feel overwhelming and unsustainable.
Practice Self-Compassion:
You’ll slip up and use old phrases—that’s completely normal and human. Notice it, forgive yourself, and try again. You can even model this for your child: “Oops, that didn’t come out the way I meant it. Let me try again.”
Remember the Goal:
The goal isn’t perfect behavior from your toddler—it’s building a relationship based on mutual respect, understanding, and connection. Some days will be harder than others, and that’s okay.
Focus on Connection:
When you feel triggered and about to say something you’ll regret, take a deep breath and ask yourself: “What does my child need right now?” Usually, the answer is connection, understanding, or help with a big feeling.
Be Patient:
Changes in communication patterns take time to feel natural. Your toddler may also need time to adjust to this new way of interacting. Trust the process and celebrate small improvements along the way.
The Long-Term Impact
When we make these shifts in our language, we’re doing more than just changing our daily interactions—we’re laying the foundation for our child’s lifelong relationship with emotions, boundaries, and communication. Children who grow up hearing validating, respectful language are more likely to develop strong emotional intelligence, healthy self-esteem, and positive relationships throughout their lives.
Remember, gentle parenting isn’t about being permissive or avoiding all boundaries. It’s about holding firm, loving limits while honoring your child’s developmental stage and emotional needs. Every interaction is an opportunity to build connection and teach important life skills, even in the most challenging moments.