You’re at a networking event and accidentally spill your drink while introducing yourself to someone important. Your face flushes red. Your mind goes blank. And instead of simply saying “Oops!” and moving on, you launch into an elaborate, nervous explanation about how you’re always clumsy, how you’re so embarrassed, how you can’t believe this happened, how you’re usually not like this—all while the other person stands there awkwardly, unsure how to respond to your spiral.
What started as a minor mishap has now become genuinely awkward. Not because of the spill, but because of how you responded to it.
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: Most social awkwardness isn’t caused by the initial situation. It’s caused by how we handle it. When we feel uncomfortable, our instinct is to do things that we think will reduce the awkwardness—but research shows these coping mechanisms often make everything worse. They transform moments that could have passed unnoticed into painful interactions that everyone remembers.
Understanding the Awkwardness Cycle
Before exploring the specific habits, we need to understand what’s actually happening when social situations feel awkward. Research from cognitive-behavioral models of social anxiety shows that socially anxious people focus most of their attention on themselves during interactions—including their physical symptoms of anxiety and their negative thoughts.
This self-focused attention creates what psychologists call “safety behaviors”—things you do within social situations to try and prevent your fears from coming true. The problem? These behaviors actually make things worse because they can cause us to become more self-focused and appear less engaged with others.
The five habits we’re about to explore are all forms of these safety behaviors—coping mechanisms that feel protective in the moment but actually amplify awkwardness and prevent you from learning that most social situations are less threatening than you fear.
The 5 Habits That Escalate Awkwardness
1. Over-Explaining and Excessive Apologizing
The moment something goes wrong or feels awkward, some people launch into elaborate explanations and endless apologies. What starts as a minor social hiccup becomes a drawn-out performance of self-flagellation.
What this looks like:
- Apologizing multiple times for the same thing: “I’m so sorry. I’m really sorry. I can’t believe I did that. I’m so, so sorry.”
- Providing detailed explanations for minor mistakes: “I’m late because my alarm didn’t go off, and then I couldn’t find my keys, and the traffic was terrible, and then I couldn’t find parking…”
- Continuing to reference and apologize for something long after it’s over
- Making your discomfort the center of attention through excessive acknowledgment
Why this makes it worse: Research on interpersonal behavior and social anxiety from a 2018 dissertation examining social anxiety and interpersonal interactions found that when people focus excessively on their own perceived failings during social interactions, it negatively impacts both their own enjoyment and their partner’s experience.
The mechanism: When you over-explain or over-apologize, you’re essentially asking the other person to comfort you about your mistake or awkwardness. This shifts the dynamic—now they have to manage your emotions while also dealing with whatever just happened. What could have been a brief, forgettable moment becomes extended and uncomfortable because you won’t let it end.
Studies on self-focused attention show that when most of our attention is directed toward ourselves during social interactions, very little attention is left for actually engaging with the other person. Your excessive apologies and explanations are manifestations of extreme self-focus—and they prevent natural conversation flow.
The alternative: A simple, brief acknowledgment followed by moving on. “Sorry about that! Anyway, what were you saying?” This communicates competence and emotional regulation—qualities that actually reduce awkwardness rather than amplifying it.
2. Avoiding Eye Contact or Excessive Eye Contact
Eye contact is a delicate balance in social situations, and anxiety can push people toward either extreme—avoiding it entirely or forcing unnaturally intense eye contact because they’ve heard “eye contact is important.”
What unhealthy eye contact patterns look like:
- Looking away constantly, at the floor, or past the person
- Staring fixedly at someone without natural breaks, making them uncomfortable
- Following rigid internal rules: “I must maintain eye contact for exactly three seconds, then look away for exactly two seconds”
- Being so focused on managing eye contact that you’re not actually listening
Why both extremes create awkwardness: Research examining vulnerabilities in social anxiety published in 2024 found that socially anxious individuals show cognitive biases in attention, interpretation, and memory. The excessive focus on managing eye contact “correctly” is itself a form of self-focused attention that impairs natural social interaction.
The physiology of eye contact: Natural eye contact in comfortable conversations actually fluctuates significantly. People look at each other when listening, look away when thinking or speaking about complex topics, and return eye contact at natural intervals. When you’re rigidly controlling this process instead of letting it happen organically, it creates subtle but noticeable discomfort.
The alternative: Instead of consciously managing eye contact, focus your attention on what the other person is saying and let your eyes do what feels natural. When you’re genuinely engaged in the conversation, appropriate eye contact usually happens automatically.
3. Filling Every Silence With Nervous Talking
We explored earlier why silence makes people uncomfortable. But the habit of frantically filling every conversational pause with nervous chatter is one of the most reliable ways to transform a comfortable moment into an awkward one.
What this looks like:
- Word vomit when conversation naturally pauses
- Random topic changes to avoid silence
- Asking rapid-fire questions without giving space for answers
- Making increasingly desperate attempts at humor or interesting comments
- Talking faster and faster as anxiety builds
The research on silence: We know from studies on conversational silence that it takes only about four seconds for people to start feeling uncomfortable with silence. But the discomfort you feel during those four seconds is nothing compared to the awkwardness created when you respond to it by frantically babbling.
Why nervous talking makes things worse: Research on social anxiety and disinhibition shows that some socially anxious individuals actually report more talking and social activity despite their anxiety—but this often represents compulsive attempts to manage anxiety through excessive engagement rather than genuine connection.
When you fill silence with nervous chatter, several things happen:
- You reveal your discomfort, which makes the other person uncomfortable
- You don’t give the other person space to contribute, which feels one-sided
- You say things you don’t mean or don’t care about, which reduces authentic connection
- You prevent natural conversation rhythm, which would allow genuine exchanges
The alternative: Practice tolerating brief silences. Count to three before jumping in to fill a pause. Trust that if a silence extends beyond comfortable, either person can naturally redirect the conversation—and that responsibility doesn’t fall solely on you.
4. Using Self-Deprecating Humor as Social Currency
Making fun of yourself can sometimes diffuse tension. But when it becomes your primary way of interacting—constantly putting yourself down, highlighting your flaws, or preemptively criticizing yourself before others can—it creates uncomfortable dynamics.
What excessive self-deprecation looks like:
- Opening interactions by pointing out your perceived flaws
- Making multiple self-deprecating jokes in a single conversation
- Turning compliments into opportunities for self-criticism: “Thanks, but actually I’m terrible at this”
- Positioning yourself as incompetent or lesser-than to avoid expectations
- Using self-deprecation to fish for reassurance or compliments
The psychology: Research on self-presentation and social anxiety from a 2013 study examining technological communication and social skills found that individuals who are more shy engage in more image management behaviors—including self-deprecation as a protective strategy.
Why this backfires: When you constantly put yourself down:
- You make others uncomfortable because they don’t know how to respond
- You force others into the position of having to reassure or compliment you
- You communicate low self-worth, which paradoxically reduces respect rather than building sympathy
- You prevent genuine connection because you’re performing self-deprecation rather than being authentic
Studies on self-focused attention in social anxiety show that activating catastrophic beliefs regarding interpersonal rejection leads to attentional fixation on perceived personal flaws. Constant self-deprecation is essentially verbalizing this fixation—broadcasting your insecurities instead of managing them internally.
The alternative: Save self-deprecating humor for occasional, genuine moments where it’s actually funny rather than making it your entire social strategy. Focus on authentic sharing instead of protective self-criticism.
5. Monitoring Your Performance Instead of Engaging in the Moment
This might be the most insidious habit because it’s entirely internal, yet it profoundly affects how others experience interacting with you. It’s the constant meta-awareness of how you’re coming across, what impression you’re making, and whether you’re saying the right things.
What performative monitoring looks like internally:
- Constant thoughts: “Am I being interesting? Do they think I’m boring? That was a stupid thing to say. I should have said something else.”
- Replaying what you just said while the other person is responding
- Planning your next comment instead of listening to what they’re saying
- Evaluating your performance moment by moment instead of experiencing the interaction
- Seeing the conversation as a test you need to pass rather than an exchange between equals
The research foundation: A 2018 dissertation on social anxiety and interpersonal interactions found that when participants experienced more situational social anxiety, both individuals in the interaction enjoyed it less and performed worse on collaborative tasks. The mechanism? The anxious person’s self-focus prevented genuine engagement.
Studies from 2024 examining self-identity and social anxiety in college students found that heightened fear of negative evaluation leads to self-focused attention that activates catastrophic beliefs regarding interpersonal rejection. This creates a feedback loop: anxiety about being judged leads to monitoring your performance, which reduces genuine engagement, which makes you seem less warm and interested, which can actually lead to the negative evaluation you feared.
Why this creates awkwardness: When you’re in your head evaluating your performance, the other person can feel it. There’s a quality of presence that disappears when someone is monitoring themselves rather than actually connecting. The conversation feels stilted, responses seem slightly off-timing, and there’s a subtle distance that prevents warmth from developing.
The alternative: Practice shifting your attention from “How am I doing?” to “What are they saying?” This simple redirect—from self-evaluation to genuine curiosity about the other person—can transform social interactions. When you’re actually listening and responding authentically rather than performing and evaluating, conversations flow more naturally.
The Common Thread: Safety Behaviors That Create Danger
Look at all five of these habits and you’ll notice they share a foundation: they’re all attempts to protect yourself from social rejection or embarrassment. But research consistently shows that safety behaviors actually prevent you from learning that social situations are less threatening than you fear.
When you over-explain, you’re trying to prevent judgment. When you manage eye contact rigidly, you’re trying to appear socially competent. When you fill silence, you’re trying to avoid the discomfort of pauses. When you use self-deprecation, you’re trying to beat others to criticism. When you monitor your performance, you’re trying to control the impression you make.
All of these strategies feel protective, but they actually:
- Increase self-focused attention, which reduces genuine engagement
- Create the very awkwardness you’re trying to avoid
- Prevent you from discovering that most social situations go fine even without these protective measures
- Reinforce the belief that you need these behaviors to be socially acceptable
Breaking the Cycle
If you recognize yourself in these habits, the path forward isn’t shame—it’s awareness and gradual change.
Start with one habit: Pick the pattern you recognize most strongly and focus on it. Trying to change everything at once is overwhelming.
Practice in low-stakes situations: Start experimenting with different responses in situations where the outcome doesn’t matter much—casual acquaintances, store clerks, brief encounters.
Expect discomfort: When you stop using safety behaviors, you’ll initially feel more anxious, not less. This is normal. The anxiety decreases as you accumulate evidence that things go fine without your protective strategies.
Focus outward: When you notice yourself doing one of these habits, redirect your attention to the other person. What are they saying? What might they be feeling? What are you genuinely curious about?
Remember that awkwardness is normal: Some degree of social awkwardness is universal. The goal isn’t perfect smoothness—it’s authentic connection despite occasional awkward moments.
The Freedom on the Other Side
Here’s what research and lived experience both suggest: When you let go of these habits—when you stop trying so hard to prevent awkwardness—something remarkable happens. Social interactions become less exhausting because you’re not constantly monitoring and managing. Connections deepen because you’re actually present. And paradoxically, you become less awkward because you’re not engaging in the very behaviors that create awkwardness.
The spilled drink at the networking event? In a world where you’re not governed by these habits, it goes like this: “Oops!” Brief cleanup. “Anyway, you were saying?” And the conversation continues, with the spill already forgotten.
That’s not just socially skilled behavior. That’s freedom.
Which of these awkwardness habits do you recognize in yourself? Have you noticed how they affect your social interactions? Share your experiences in the comments—knowing we all struggle with some of these patterns helps us feel less alone in the process of changing them.
If this article helped you see your social discomfort differently, please share it with someone who might benefit. Sometimes the most powerful shift comes from understanding that the strategies we use to protect ourselves are actually creating the very problems we fear.