Your eight-year-old comes home from school, backpack dragging behind her, tears already forming in her eyes. Before she even speaks, you can tell something happened. She opens her mouth to tell you about how her best friend said she couldn’t play with them at recess anymore, how she sat alone by the fence during lunch, how her heart feels like it’s breaking into a thousand pieces.
And you, exhausted from your own difficult day, hear yourself saying: “That’s life. Not everyone is going to like you.”
You watch her face change. The vulnerability closes up like a flower at nightfall. She nods, wipes her eyes, and walks to her room. You told yourself you were preparing her for reality, teaching her resilience. But what really happened? You just shut down the most important conversation you could have had.
Or maybe it’s this: Your six-year-old is melting down over something that seems completely trivial to you—the blue cup instead of the red one, the wrong shaped chicken nuggets, socks that feel “weird.” Your patience is gone. You’ve had it. So you say what your parents probably said to you: “Stop being so dramatic. You’re too sensitive.”
In that moment, you’re not just addressing the tantrum. You’re sending a message that will echo in their developing brain for years to come.
The Weight of Words: What Neuroscience Tells Us
Before we dive into the specific phrases, let’s talk about why this matters so much. Because I know what you might be thinking: “I turned out fine, and my parents said these things to me all the time.”
But here’s what we know now that our parents didn’t: words don’t just bounce off children. They physically shape the developing brain.
Research published in May 2025 examining verbal abuse in childhood found that when words are routinely used by adults to humiliate, shame, or control children, they can alter the developing brain. A 2023 study of over 20,500 UK adults found that one in five reported having been verbally abused as children, leading to increased risks of anxiety, depression, suicide attempts, and drug use in later life.
Neuroscientist Eamon McCrory, who presented research at the UK House of Commons in April 2025, explains that emotional abuse—including consistently hostile or demeaning language from adults—significantly alters how a child’s brain perceives and reacts to the world. The threat system becomes hyperactive, meaning even neutral social cues can be misinterpreted as threatening.
Think about that for a moment. Your child’s brain is literally being wired by the words you use. Not just the obviously harmful ones, but even phrases you think are harmless or helpful.
Darcia Narvaez, psychology professor emerita at the University of Notre Dame, warns that habitual scolding can lead a child to develop a heightened stress response, ultimately undermining thinking, learning, and openness to others. According to a 2024 study by the online language learning platform Preply surveying 1,400 parents, approximately one in four parents admit to inadvertently making their child feel selfish or bad, while nearly one in five has unintentionally labeled their child as a liar.
Children’s earliest experiences shape their developing brains and establish patterns that can last a lifetime. Parents play a significant role in their child’s development, and their actions and behaviors can have a profound impact on a child’s future outcomes. So let’s look at the five most common phrases that, despite good intentions, shut children down emotionally and psychologically.
The 5 Phrases That Close Your Child Down
1. “Stop Crying” or “You’re Being Too Sensitive”
This is probably the most common phrase parents use when trying to help their children regulate emotions. Ironically, it does the exact opposite.
What this actually sounds like in real life:
- “Stop crying and be a big boy/girl”
- “Boys don’t cry”
- “You’re too sensitive”
- “It’s not a big deal”
- “Stop being so dramatic”
- “Quit your whining”
According to Dr. Anjali Ferguson, clinical psychologist and children’s book author, these phrases teach children to suppress their feelings to fit into a specific gender stereotype or societal expectation. Dr. Sanam Hafeez, neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind, explains that telling boys they shouldn’t cry reinforces toxic masculinity and can lead them to suppress their emotions and feelings.
But it’s not just about gender stereotypes. When we tell children any version of “don’t feel what you’re feeling,” we’re sending a profound message about the validity of their internal experience.
A study published by the American Psychological Association found that when a child’s feelings are consistently belittled or dismissed, it can undermine their emotional development, leading to low self-esteem and an increased risk of mental health issues like borderline personality disorder. Even more concerning, it can result in children lacking empathy—after all, how can they understand that other people’s feelings matter if you’ve taught them early on that their own emotions don’t?
Why we say it: We’re uncomfortable with big emotions. We want the crying to stop because it triggers our own discomfort, helplessness, or memories of being told the same thing. We genuinely believe we’re toughening them up for a world that won’t coddle their feelings.
What’s really happening: You’re teaching your child that emotions are dangerous, shameful, and should be hidden. You’re rewiring their brain to suppress rather than process feelings. And suppressed emotions don’t disappear—they just go underground, where they fuel anxiety, depression, and relationship problems decades later.
What to say instead: “I can see you’re really upset right now. Tell me what happened.” Or “Those are big feelings. It’s okay to cry. I’m right here with you.” Acknowledge the emotion, sit with them in it, and then—only after they feel heard—help them process it.
2. “I’m Disappointed in You”
This phrase seems motivational on the surface. Surely knowing they’ve disappointed you will encourage your child to do better next time, right? Wrong.
What this actually sounds like:
- “I’m disappointed in you”
- “You’ve let me down”
- “I expected better from you”
- “I thought you were smarter than this”
- “You should know better”
Adam Galinsky, sociologist and Columbia Business School professor, identified this as one of the most damaging phrases parents use. In his upcoming book “Inspire: The Universal Path for Leading Yourself and Others,” he explains that while parents think they’re using this phrase motivationally, they don’t realize how damaging it is for kids.
The problem is that children don’t have the cognitive development to separate “I’m disappointed in your behavior” from “I’m disappointed in who you are as a person.” To a child’s brain, these are the same thing.
Dr. Tovah Klein, child psychologist at Barnard College Center for Toddler Development and author of “How Toddlers Thrive,” explains that phrases that blame the child for either a behavior or an emotion they’re having are particularly problematic. She notes that shame can be toxic for young children because they carry it with them, developing a sense of self-doubt that becomes like a weakness.
Why we say it: We believe that expressing our disappointment will motivate change. We think children need to know how their behavior affects us. We’re trying to leverage our relationship to encourage better choices.
What’s really happening: You’re creating shame, not motivation. Shame says “I am bad” while guilt says “I did something bad.” Shame is paralyzing and toxic. Your child internalizes the message that they are a disappointment, that something fundamental about them is wrong. This doesn’t inspire them to do better—it makes them believe they can’t be better.
What to say instead: “I noticed you didn’t finish your homework. What happened?” Or “Let’s talk about what went wrong and how we can handle it differently next time.” Focus on the specific behavior and problem-solve together, without making it about your emotional state or their worth as a person.
3. “Because I Said So”
This is the ultimate conversation ender. And while it might get compliance in the moment, the long-term cost is significant.
What this actually sounds like:
- “Because I said so”
- “Because I’m the parent, that’s why”
- “Don’t question me”
- “You don’t need to know why”
- “Just do what I tell you”
I get it. Sometimes you’re exhausted, the “why” questions feel endless, and you just need your child to put on their shoes so you can leave the house. But this phrase is problematic because it shuts down communication, dismisses their need for understanding, and teaches them that authority figures don’t owe them explanations.
Why we say it: We’re at the end of our rope. We don’t have time for another negotiation. We think children don’t need reasons, they just need to obey. Or honestly, sometimes we don’t have a good reason beyond “I don’t want you to.”
What’s really happening: You’re teaching your child that their thoughts, questions, and need for understanding don’t matter. You’re modeling that power and authority mean never having to explain yourself. You’re also missing opportunities to help them develop critical thinking skills and understand cause and effect.
Research on cognitive development shows that children who are given explanations for rules and boundaries develop better reasoning skills and are actually more likely to internalize values rather than just following rules out of fear or blind obedience.
What to say instead: Give a brief, honest explanation appropriate to their age. “We need to leave now because we can’t be late for your sister’s appointment.” Or “I need you to turn off the TV because screen time is over for today, and your brain needs a break.” You’re still the authority, but you’re explaining the reasoning. If you’re too frazzled to explain, at least acknowledge that: “I know you want to know why, and I promise I’ll explain later. Right now I need you to trust me and do what I’m asking.”
4. “Why Can’t You Be More Like [Sibling/Other Kid]?”
Comparison is one of the fastest ways to damage a child’s sense of self and create toxic sibling dynamics.
What this actually sounds like:
- “Why can’t you be more like your sister?”
- “Your brother never gave me this much trouble”
- “Other kids don’t act like this”
- “Look how well your friend is behaving”
- “See how [sibling] did it? Why can’t you?”
According to research on childhood development, if a child is constantly compared to their sibling or peers, they may develop feelings of resentment towards those children or their parents for perpetuating the comparisons. They may also struggle with developing a healthy self-concept and may find it difficult to form positive relationships with others, as they may feel like they are not worthy of love and acceptance.
The 2024 Preply study found that making unhealthy comparisons can erode a child’s self-confidence and make them think they’ll never be good enough, no matter how hard they try. At the same time, comparing siblings cultivates an unhealthy relationship between them, breeding envy and resentment.
Why we say it: We think it will motivate them to improve. We’re frustrated that something comes easily to one child but not another. We want them to see what’s possible if they just try harder.
What’s really happening: You’re telling your child that who they are isn’t acceptable. You’re creating a competitive, comparative mindset where their worth is always measured against someone else. You’re damaging the sibling relationship by making them competitors rather than allies. And you’re teaching them that love is conditional on meeting certain standards.
What to say instead: Focus on your individual child’s growth. “I noticed you’re struggling with this. What would help you?” Or “Last week you could do three math problems. This week you did five! You’re making progress.” Celebrate their unique strengths instead of wishing they were someone else.
5. “You’re Making Me So Angry/You Make Me Feel…”
This phrase is subtle manipulation disguised as emotional honesty. It makes the child responsible for the adult’s emotional regulation.
What this actually sounds like:
- “You’re making me so angry”
- “You make me feel [any emotion]”
- “Look what you made me do”
- “If you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t be upset”
- “You’re driving me crazy”
According to Dr. Jazmine on The Mom Psychologist, no one “makes” you angry. Yes, their behaviors influence your thoughts and feelings, but your child is not to blame for your anger and what you do out of anger. Making someone else responsible for your feelings is a subtle form of manipulation.
This dynamic leads to deep disconnection in the parent-child relationship. It also causes your child to experience fear, which triggers one of three responses: fight (power struggles and defensiveness), flight (avoidance and withdrawal), or freeze (shutting down emotionally).
Why we say it: We’re overwhelmed by our own emotions and we want our child to understand the impact of their behavior. We think if they know how much they’re upsetting us, they’ll stop. We’re trying to express our feelings, which we’ve been told is healthy communication.
What’s really happening: You’re teaching your child that they are responsible for managing your emotions—a burden no child should carry. You’re setting them up for codependent relationships where they believe they can control or cause other people’s feelings. You’re also teaching them to feel scared and guilty rather than learning natural consequences of their behavior.
As Dr. Jazmine notes, whenever we blame others for how we feel, we immediately give our power away. Now it’s on them to “fix us,” and that’s impossible. Children are not responsible for calming adults down.
What to say instead: Model emotional responsibility. “I’m noticing that I’m starting to feel angry right now. It’s my job to calm my body down. I’m going to take a few deep breaths.” Or “Your behavior is not okay, and I need to take a break so I can respond calmly.” You’re teaching them that emotions are normal, that everyone has them, and that we’re each responsible for managing our own feelings.
The Ripple Effects: How These Phrases Shape Development
When you use these phrases regularly—and most of us have used at least some of them—you’re not just affecting the moment. You’re shaping how your child’s brain develops, how they see themselves, and how they’ll relate to others for the rest of their lives.
Research on the neurobiological effects of childhood maltreatment published in 2024 shows that childhood experiences influence brain development during specific periods, particularly during early childhood and adolescence. Parental verbal abuse appears to specifically target brain regions that process and convey the aversive experience.
Studies have found that parental criticism impacts how children’s brains respond to emotional information. Children of critical parents are more likely to use avoidant coping skills like procrastination, rumination, and passive-aggressive behavior. They may even avoid others’ emotional facial expressions, both positive and negative, which negatively impacts their relationships and limits their capacity to read and understand social cues and the emotional world of others.
The effects compound over time. A child who learns their emotions don’t matter becomes an adult who can’t identify or express feelings. A child who’s constantly compared becomes an adult plagued by inadequacy and jealousy. A child who’s made responsible for a parent’s emotions becomes an adult in codependent relationships.
Breaking the Pattern: What to Do Instead
If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself in these patterns, take a breath. The fact that you’re here, reading this, considering how your words affect your child—that already makes you a good parent. We all say things we wish we hadn’t. We all have moments when exhaustion, stress, or our own unhealed wounds cause us to react in ways we’re not proud of.
The goal isn’t perfection. It’s awareness and gradual change.
Start with self-compassion
Chances are, many of these phrases were said to you as a child. You’re operating from programming that goes deep. Recognizing this isn’t about blaming your parents—it’s about understanding that you’re breaking a cycle. That’s hard work and it deserves acknowledgment.
Repair when you mess up
You will say the wrong thing sometimes. What matters is what you do next. Go back to your child and say, “Earlier when you were upset and I told you to stop crying, that wasn’t fair. Your feelings matter. Can we talk about what happened?”
Repairs are powerful. Research on attachment shows that what creates secure attachment isn’t never making mistakes—it’s consistently repairing them. Your child learns that relationships can handle ruptures and that people who love each other work through difficulties.
Pause before responding
When your child is dysregulated, your own nervous system often activates. Notice the urge to say something that will shut down the emotion or the behavior. Take three breaths. Ask yourself: “What does my child need right now? What am I really trying to teach in this moment?”
Focus on connection before correction
When children feel connected to you, they’re much more likely to cooperate. Before jumping to discipline or correction, spend a moment connecting. Get down on their level. Make eye contact. Touch their arm. Let them feel that you’re on their team, even when their behavior needs to change.
Learn about child development
So many problematic phrases come from misunderstanding what’s developmentally appropriate. A three-year-old having a meltdown about the wrong color cup isn’t being manipulative—they’re having a genuine neurological response they can’t yet regulate. A seven-year-old who can’t explain why they did something isn’t being defiant—their prefrontal cortex literally can’t access that information when they’re dysregulated.
Understanding development creates compassion, which changes how you respond.
Get support
If you find yourself repeatedly using these phrases despite wanting to change, or if you’re recognizing that your own childhood trauma is affecting how you parent, please consider working with a therapist. Parenting brings up all our own unresolved stuff. Getting help isn’t weakness—it’s breaking cycles.
The Words That Build Instead of Break
While we’ve spent this article talking about what not to say, let’s end with what builds children up:
“I see you’re having a hard time. I’m here.” This validates their experience without trying to fix or minimize it.
“Tell me more about that.” This invites them to share and shows their thoughts and feelings matter.
“What do you need right now?” This teaches them to identify and communicate their needs.
“That was a mistake. What can we learn from it?” This separates behavior from identity and focuses on growth.
“I love you, even when I don’t love your behavior.” This teaches unconditional love while still maintaining boundaries.
“Let’s figure this out together.” This positions you as a team and builds problem-solving skills.
“You’re safe to feel all your feelings with me.” This creates the foundation for emotional health.
Moving Forward with Intention
Your words have power. Immense power. They’re literally shaping your child’s brain, their sense of self, their capacity for relationships, and their emotional health.
This isn’t about adding more pressure to an already demanding job. It’s about recognizing that the daily interactions—the way you respond when they’re melting down, the phrases you use when they make mistakes, the tone you take when you’re exhausted—these seemingly small moments are actually the most important work you’ll ever do.
You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be willing to notice, to learn, to repair when you mess up, and to keep trying. Every conversation is an opportunity. Every difficult moment is a chance to respond differently than your parents did, to break a cycle, to build your child up instead of shutting them down.
The phrases we’ve talked about today—they’re common. Most parents use them. But common doesn’t mean harmless. Now that you know better, you can do better. Not perfectly, not every time, but gradually, with intention and love.
Your child is watching, listening, and learning from you. Make sure the lessons their brain is encoding are ones of worth, safety, emotional validity, and unconditional love. Because those are the messages that will echo in their minds long after they’ve left your home, shaping every relationship and every moment of their lives.
What phrase from this list hit you hardest? Did you hear these growing up, or have you caught yourself saying them to your own kids? Share your experience in the comments—sometimes just acknowledging these patterns is the first step toward changing them.
And if this article gave you new perspective on your words and their impact, please share it with another parent. We’re all learning together. We’re all trying to do better than the generation before us. And every parent who becomes more aware of their language is creating a ripple effect that will benefit children for generations to come.