You wake up Monday morning with that familiar pit in your stomach. Another week of going through the motions—the job you complain about but never change, the relationship that feels more like habit than choice, the dreams you keep putting off until “someday when things settle down.” You scroll through social media and see friends posting about their new adventures, career changes, and bold life decisions, and you think: “I wish I could be that brave. But my situation is different. I don’t have their advantages.”
By lunch, you’re already mentally drafting the text to your friend about how your boss “made” you work late again, how your partner “never” considers your feelings, how life just keeps “happening to” you. You feel like you’re watching your own life unfold from the sidelines, like you’re a supporting character in someone else’s story rather than the author of your own.
Sound familiar? You might be experiencing what psychologists call “external locus of control”—the belief that your life outcomes are determined by forces outside your influence rather than your own actions and choices. Research consistently shows that people with external locus of control tend to feel less motivated, experience more stress, and struggle with lower self-esteem compared to those who believe they have agency over their lives.
But here’s the empowering truth that research supports: you can shift from being a passive observer to becoming the active protagonist of your own story. The capacity for personal agency—your belief in your ability to influence events and control your environment—isn’t fixed. It’s a skill that can be developed, strengthened, and reclaimed, even if you’ve spent years feeling powerless.
The Psychology Behind Feeling Powerless
Before we explore the signs, it’s crucial to understand that feeling like you’re not in control of your life isn’t a character flaw or personal weakness. Often, this mindset develops as a protective response to circumstances where you genuinely had little power—childhood experiences, traumatic events, or situations involving structural inequalities.
Psychologists have identified several key concepts that explain why some people feel more empowered than others:
Self-efficacy: Introduced by Albert Bandura, this refers to your belief in your capacity to execute behaviors necessary to produce specific outcomes—essentially, your confidence in your ability to influence events and control your environment.
Locus of control: This concept distinguishes between internal locus (believing your outcomes result from your efforts and behaviors) and external locus (believing outcomes are determined by external factors like luck, fate, or other people’s decisions).
Learned helplessness: First identified in the 1960s, this psychological state occurs when individuals continuously face negative, uncontrollable situations and stop trying to change their circumstances, even when they develop the ability to do so. Research shows that learned helplessness theory helps explain clinical depression and related mental health challenges that result from real or perceived absence of control.
What’s particularly important to understand is that these patterns often develop for valid reasons. In contexts of extreme structural violence or genuine powerlessness, external locus of control can actually better reflect lived experience, according to 2024 research. The key is learning to distinguish between areas where you truly have limited control and areas where you have more power than you realize.
The 5 Signs You’re Not the Main Character in Your Own Life
1. Your Language Reveals Who’s in Charge (And It’s Not You)
Listen to how you talk about your life for a week, and you’ll quickly discover who you believe is really in control. The language we use reveals our underlying assumptions about personal agency and responsibility.
What this sounds like:
- “My boss made me work late again” (instead of “I chose to stay late” or “I haven’t set boundaries about overtime”)
- “I have to go to this family gathering” (instead of “I’m choosing to attend” or “I’ve decided not to go”)
- “Life just keeps throwing curveballs at me” (instead of “I’m facing some challenges that I’m working to address”)
- “I can’t afford to…” (without exploring creative solutions or trade-offs)
- “They won’t let me…” (without investigating what you actually need to move forward)
The deeper pattern: This language pattern reflects what psychologists call external attribution—consistently attributing your experiences to outside forces rather than acknowledging your role in creating or responding to situations.
Research on internal versus external locus of control shows that people with internal locus tend to have higher motivation, better problem-solving skills, and greater persistence in the face of challenges. They’re also more likely to take positive action to change their circumstances rather than just talking about wanting things to be different.
The shift: Start noticing your language and gently reframing statements to acknowledge your choices, even when they feel limited. This isn’t about toxic positivity or denying real constraints—it’s about recognizing the power you do have within those constraints.
2. You’re Always Waiting for Permission, Approval, or Perfect Conditions
Main characters in stories don’t wait for someone else to give them permission to start their adventure. They see what needs to happen and take action, even when conditions aren’t ideal. If you’re constantly waiting for external validation or perfect circumstances before making moves, you might be stuck in a supporting role mentality.
What this looks like:
- Waiting for your boss to recognize your contributions instead of advocating for yourself
- Postponing dreams until you have more money, time, or support
- Seeking multiple opinions before making decisions you’re already clear about
- Needing others to validate your feelings before trusting them
- Believing you need special credentials or qualifications before you can pursue interests
- Waiting for relationships to change on their own instead of having difficult conversations
The psychology behind it: This pattern often stems from childhood experiences where your autonomous choices weren’t supported or where you learned that approval from authority figures was necessary for safety. While this made sense in childhood, it can become limiting when carried into adult relationships and career decisions.
Studies on self-efficacy show that human agency—including both individual self-efficacy and collective efficacy—plays a crucial role in motivating people to create positive change in their lives and communities. When you consistently seek external permission, you’re essentially outsourcing your decision-making power to others.
The shift: Start with small decisions where you trust your judgment without seeking input. Practice saying “I’ve decided to…” instead of “What do you think I should do?” Build evidence for yourself that you can make good choices independently.
3. You Focus More on What’s Happening to You Than What You’re Creating
Main characters are active agents in their stories—they make decisions, take risks, and deal with consequences. Supporting characters are primarily reactive—things happen to them, and they respond based on others’ choices. If you spend more time analyzing what others are doing wrong than planning your next move, you might be stuck in reactive mode.
What this looks like:
- Extensive conversations about other people’s problematic behavior with little discussion of your own actions
- Feeling constantly surprised by predictable consequences of ongoing situations
- Spending more energy complaining about problems than researching solutions
- Believing that if only other people would change, your life would improve
- Feeling victimized by circumstances that you have some influence over
- Waiting for others to fix situations that affect you
The research connection: This pattern aligns with what psychologists call “victim mentality”—a psychological condition where individuals consistently perceive themselves as victims of circumstances or others’ actions, often feeling powerless and stuck in cycles of blame. However, research shows this is often actually learned helplessness, which develops when we repeatedly encounter difficult situations we cannot avoid.
Understanding this distinction is crucial because learned helplessness can be unlearned. Research on basic psychological need satisfaction shows that when people feel competent, autonomous, and connected, their motivation and sense of agency naturally increase.
The shift: For every problem you identify, challenge yourself to find at least one action you could take to improve the situation, even if it’s small. Focus conversations on your plans and choices rather than others’ shortcomings.
4. You Believe Your Past Completely Determines Your Future
While our past experiences undoubtedly shape us, believing that your history is your destiny keeps you trapped in patterns that no longer serve you. Main characters learn from their past but aren’t imprisoned by it—they use their experiences as information for making better choices moving forward.
What this sounds like:
- “I’m just not good with money” (based on past financial mistakes)
- “I’ve never been lucky in love” (assuming future relationships will mirror past ones)
- “I’m not the type of person who…” (limiting identity based on previous experiences)
- “My family/culture/background doesn’t do that” (using origin story to justify current limitations)
- “I tried that once and it didn’t work” (assuming one attempt predicts all future outcomes)
- “I’m too old/young/inexperienced to start now” (using demographics to justify inaction)
The psychological pattern: This reflects what researchers call “fixed mindset”—the belief that abilities, intelligence, and circumstances are static rather than developable. It’s often reinforced by learned helplessness, where past experiences of powerlessness create expectations of future powerlessness.
However, research consistently shows that self-efficacy can be developed through mastery experiences, social modeling, and changing thought patterns. Studies indicate that people with internal locus of control tend to perform better academically, exhibit higher motivation, and demonstrate greater persistence specifically because they believe their efforts can create different outcomes.
The shift: Start viewing your past as data rather than destiny. Ask yourself: “What did I learn from that experience that could help me approach this differently?” Practice separating past patterns from current possibilities.
5. You’re More Invested in Others’ Stories Than Your Own
Supporting characters are deeply invested in the main character’s journey—they’re the best friend cheering from the sidelines, the advisor offering wisdom, the person who drops everything to help with someone else’s crisis. While being supportive is wonderful, if you’re consistently more engaged with others’ dreams than your own, you might be playing a supporting role in your own life.
What this looks like:
- You can give detailed advice about others’ career moves but haven’t thought seriously about your own goals
- You’re the person everyone calls for emotional support, but you rarely share your own struggles
- You know more about your friends’ relationship dynamics than you’ve reflected on your own patterns
- You feel energized helping others solve problems but overwhelmed thinking about your own challenges
- You postpone your own needs to be available for others’ emergencies
- You define your worth primarily through how useful you are to other people
The deeper psychology: This pattern often develops in childhood when you learned that your value came from taking care of others’ needs or when focusing on your own desires felt selfish or unsafe. While empathy and supportiveness are beautiful qualities, extreme focus on others can be a way of avoiding the vulnerability and responsibility that comes with pursuing your own dreams.
Research on psychological need satisfaction shows that autonomy—feeling volitional and self-determined in your actions—is essential for motivation and well-being. When you’re primarily focused on others’ stories, you may be neglecting this fundamental psychological need.
The shift: Practice investing equal energy in your own goals and dreams. Set boundaries around your availability to others so you have time and mental space for your own growth. Remember that modeling a fulfilling life often helps others more than constantly rescuing them from their choices.
When “Not Being the Main Character” Serves a Purpose
It’s important to acknowledge that sometimes stepping back from the main character role serves important functions:
Safety and survival: In abusive relationships or oppressive systems, drawing attention to yourself can genuinely be dangerous. Recognizing when you’re in situations that require careful navigation is wisdom, not weakness.
Cultural considerations: Some cultures emphasize community and collective well-being over individual achievement. The key is distinguishing between healthy interdependence and self-neglect.
Temporary seasons: Sometimes life circumstances (new parenthood, caring for aging parents, health challenges) require temporarily focusing less on personal goals. This becomes problematic only when temporary seasons become permanent patterns.
Recovery and healing: If you’re recovering from trauma, addiction, or mental health challenges, there may be periods where your primary focus needs to be on healing rather than pursuing big goals.
The question isn’t whether you should always be assertively pursuing your dreams—it’s whether you’re making conscious choices about when to step forward and when to step back, rather than defaulting to a passive role out of habit or fear.
Reclaiming Your Main Character Energy
The good news is that personal agency can be developed and strengthened at any stage of life. Research shows that self-efficacy increases through mastery experiences, observing others succeed, receiving encouragement, and managing your emotional states. Here are evidence-based strategies for stepping into your protagonist role:
Start With Small Acts of Agency
Research on self-efficacy shows that mastery experiences—successfully completing tasks and seeing the connection between your efforts and outcomes—are the most powerful way to build confidence in your abilities.
Practical steps:
- Make one small decision each day without seeking input from others
- Follow through on commitments you make to yourself, even tiny ones
- Practice saying “I choose to…” instead of “I have to…”
- Take action on one small problem instead of just talking about it
- Set a small goal and create a concrete plan to achieve it
Develop Internal Locus of Control
Research consistently shows that people with internal locus of control experience better outcomes across multiple life domains. You can strengthen this through conscious practice:
Practical steps:
- When something goes wrong, ask “What was my role in this situation?” alongside “What factors were outside my control?”
- When something goes well, acknowledge your contribution rather than attributing it entirely to luck or others’ actions
- Practice taking responsibility for your emotional responses to others’ behavior
- Focus on what you can influence rather than what you can’t control
- Make decisions based on your values rather than others’ expectations
Build Self-Efficacy Through Skill Development
Albert Bandura’s research shows that self-efficacy increases when you develop competence in areas that matter to you:
Practical steps:
- Identify one skill that would increase your sense of agency and take concrete steps to develop it
- Seek out models—people who’ve successfully navigated challenges similar to yours
- Break larger goals into smaller, manageable steps that allow for success experiences
- Celebrate progress rather than waiting for perfect outcomes
- View setbacks as learning opportunities rather than evidence of inability
Practice Emotional Regulation
Research shows that learned helplessness often involves feeling overwhelmed by emotions. Developing emotional regulation skills helps you respond to challenges from a place of clarity rather than reactivity:
Practical steps:
- Develop awareness of your emotional patterns and triggers
- Practice pausing before reacting to difficult situations
- Build skills for managing anxiety, disappointment, and frustration
- Seek support when you need it rather than trying to handle everything alone
- Remember that feeling uncertain or scared doesn’t mean you’re powerless
The Ripple Effect of Stepping Into Your Power
When you begin operating as the main character in your own life, the effects extend far beyond your personal experience:
In relationships: You become someone who can be genuinely supportive because you’re not constantly seeking rescue or validation. You model healthy boundaries and self-advocacy.
In work: You take initiative, contribute ideas, and advocate for yourself rather than waiting for others to recognize your value. You become someone others want to collaborate with because you take ownership of outcomes.
In parenting: Children learn agency by watching how you handle challenges, make decisions, and take responsibility for your life. Your empowerment directly teaches them their own capacity for influence.
In community: You contribute to solutions rather than just identifying problems. You become someone who helps create positive change rather than waiting for others to fix things.
For the Voice That Says “But I Really Don’t Have Control”
If you’re reading this and thinking, “This is easy to say, but you don’t understand my situation—I really don’t have control over these circumstances,” I want to acknowledge that this feeling is often valid. Some situations do involve genuine powerlessness, and it’s important to distinguish between areas where you have influence and areas where you don’t.
The goal isn’t to convince yourself you have control over everything—that’s neither realistic nor psychologically healthy. The goal is to accurately assess where you do have choices and power, even if those choices feel limited or difficult.
Even in the most constrained circumstances, you typically have some degree of choice over:
- How you interpret and respond to situations
- What you focus your mental energy on
- How you treat yourself and others
- What small actions you take within your constraints
- Whether you seek support and resources
- How you prepare for future opportunities
Research shows that even small increases in perceived control can significantly impact well-being and outcomes. Sometimes reclaiming your main character energy starts with recognizing the choices you do have, however small they might seem.
Moving From Supporting Role to Protagonist
The transition from feeling like things happen to you to actively creating your experience doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a gradual process of building evidence for yourself that your choices matter, your actions have consequences, and you have more influence over your life than you might have believed.
This isn’t about becoming selfish, aggressive, or inconsiderate of others. Healthy main characters in the best stories are connected to their communities, responsive to others’ needs, and aware of their impact. The difference is that they make conscious choices about how to engage rather than defaulting to reactive patterns.
Remember, every protagonist in every meaningful story faces obstacles, makes mistakes, and has moments of doubt. The defining characteristic isn’t perfection or constant success—it’s the willingness to take action, learn from outcomes, and keep moving forward with intention.
You don’t need anyone’s permission to start treating your life as your own story to write. You don’t need perfect conditions or complete clarity about your direction. You just need to start making choices that align with the person you want to become and the life you want to create.
The story of your life is already in progress. The question is: are you going to keep watching from the sidelines, or are you ready to step into your role as the protagonist?
I’d love to hear from you! Which of these signs resonated most with your experience? Have you noticed areas where you’ve been operating more like a supporting character than the main character in your own life? Share your thoughts in the comments below—your insights might inspire someone else to step into their own power.
And if this post gave you a new perspective on personal agency and empowerment, please share it with someone who might be ready to reclaim their protagonist energy. Sometimes just knowing that we have more choice than we realized is the first step toward creating the life we actually want.