Your seven-year-old comes home from school, slams their backpack on the floor, and when you ask how their day was, they snap, “Leave me alone!” Your first instinct might be to correct: “We don’t talk to people that way. You need to apologize and use a respectful tone.”
But what if this moment isn’t actually about respect or tone? What if your child is overwhelmed, scared, or hurting, and that sharp response is the only way they know how to communicate that their nervous system is in distress?
Here’s the uncomfortable truth that decades of research on child development have revealed: We adults often rush to correction when what our children actually need is comfort. We see the behavior—the disrespect, the tantrum, the defiance—and respond to that surface-level presentation while missing the deeper need underneath.
The Foundation: Understanding Emotion Coaching
In 1986, psychologist John Gottman began groundbreaking research studying 56 married couples in Champaign, Illinois, each with a four or five-year-old child. Using physiological monitoring equipment and extensive observations, Gottman’s team discovered something profound: Most parents fall into one of two broad categories—those who give their children guidance about the world of emotion, and those who essentially ignore or dismiss their children’s emotional experiences.
Gottman’s research, published throughout the 1990s, identified four distinct parenting approaches to children’s emotions:
The Dismissing Parent disengages from, ridicules, or curbs all negative emotions. They feel uncertain and fear feeling out of control, use distraction techniques, and believe emotions are toxic or unhealthy.
The Disapproving Parent is similar to the dismissing parent but more negative, judgmental, and critical. They’re controlling, manipulative, authoritative, overly concerned with discipline, and strangely unconcerned with the meaning of a child’s emotional expression.
The Laissez-Faire Parent is endlessly permissive, offers little guidance about problem-solving or understanding emotions, doesn’t set limits on behavior, and encourages “riding out” of emotions until they pass.
The Emotion Coaching Parent views difficult emotions as opportunities to bond with their child, believes emotions are normal and healthy, respects the child’s feelings, and teaches about emotions while setting appropriate limits on behavior.
The outcomes were striking. Research from Gottman’s team found that children whose parents used emotion coaching developed better self-regulation skills, stronger peer relationships, and superior social competence compared to children of parents who dismissed, disapproved, or took a laissez-faire approach.
But here’s the key insight that transforms parenting: Emotion coaching doesn’t mean abandoning discipline or boundaries. As Gottman himself emphasized, “When you and your children are emotionally close, you are even more invested in their lives and can therefore assert a stronger influence. You’re in a position to be tough when toughness is called for.”
The difference is timing and recognition. There are specific moments when rushing to correction misses what the child actually needs—and in those moments, comfort first, correction later (if needed at all) is what builds both connection and genuine behavioral change.
The 6 Moments That Demand Comfort First
1. When They’re Overwhelmed by Big Emotions
Your four-year-old melts down in the grocery store, screaming and crying because you won’t buy the cereal with the cartoon character. Your ten-year-old rages about having to turn off their video game, shouting words they know aren’t acceptable. Your teenager slams doors and yells “I hate you!” during an argument.
In each of these moments, the child’s behavior is problematic. But correcting the behavior while they’re in the grip of overwhelming emotion won’t work—and it might make things worse.
A 2010 paper from the Harvard Center on the Developing Child on persistent fear and anxiety explains that when children experience intense negative emotions, their stress response system activates. The amygdala—the brain’s threat-detection center—takes over, while the prefrontal cortex—responsible for rational thinking and behavioral control—goes offline.
Translation: A child in the grip of big emotions literally cannot access the part of their brain that would allow them to process your correction, make better choices, or regulate their behavior.
What comfort looks like:
- Staying calm yourself, modeling the regulation you want them to develop
- Moving physically closer rather than sending them away
- Using a quiet, steady voice: “You’re having such big feelings right now. I’m here.”
- Waiting for the emotional storm to pass before addressing the behavior
What doesn’t help:
- Lecturing or reasoning while they’re dysregulated
- Imposing consequences in the heat of the moment
- Sending them to time-out as punishment before they’ve calmed
- Matching their intensity with your own anger or frustration
Research from 2025 examining emotion coaching in youth mentoring found that when adults responded to children’s overwhelming emotions with validation and comfort rather than immediate correction, children developed significantly better emotion regulation skills over time. The comfort in the moment taught them that intense feelings are manageable and that help is available—lessons that improved their behavior more effectively than correction ever could.
2. When They’re Scared or Anxious
Your child wakes from a nightmare, heart pounding, convinced there’s a monster in the closet. Your kindergartener clings to you on the first day of school, terrified. Your middle-schooler panics about an upcoming test, convinced they’ll fail.
These moments might tempt you toward correction: “There’s no such thing as monsters.” “You’re a big kid, you shouldn’t be scared of school.” “If you’d studied more, you wouldn’t be so worried.” But fear and anxiety don’t respond to logic or criticism—they respond to safety and validation.
According to a 2010 working paper from the National Scientific Council on the Developing Child, all children experience fears during childhood. When these fears are persistent or intense, they affect how children learn, solve problems, and navigate their world. The key protective factor isn’t eliminating fear—it’s providing supportive relationships that help children develop coping strategies.
What comfort looks like:
- Validating the feeling: “Nightmares feel so scary, don’t they?”
- Staying with them until they feel safe enough to settle
- Offering tools and strategies once they’re calm: “Let’s check the closet together. Would a nightlight help?”
- Accepting that some fears aren’t rational but are still real to them
What doesn’t help:
- Dismissing or minimizing: “That’s silly, there’s nothing to be scared of”
- Shaming: “You’re too old to be afraid of the dark”
- Getting frustrated with repeated fears or anxiety
- Forcing exposure without emotional support
Research from 2022 on stress and child development found that when children have a loving, supportive relationship with an adult, it “buffers” the potentially toxic effects of stress. Love and care release oxytocin, which attaches to the same brain structures as cortisol—but oxytocin is more potent because it protects children at the cellular level.
Your comfort isn’t just emotional support—it’s literally changing your child’s brain chemistry in ways that build resilience.
3. When They’re Processing Something Difficult
Your child just learned that their pet died. Or that you’re getting divorced. Or that they didn’t make the team. Or that their best friend is moving away. They might respond with anger, withdrawal, or behavior that seems unrelated to the loss—acting out at school, being mean to siblings, or regressing to behaviors they’d outgrown.
This isn’t the time for correction about behavior. This is the time to recognize that challenging behavior is often communication—and right now, they’re communicating that they’re struggling to process something their developing brain and emotional system aren’t equipped to handle alone.
Research from Kids Mental Health Foundation emphasizes that the ability to cope with strong emotions is an important developmental process that takes time. Children aren’t born knowing how to manage grief, disappointment, or major life changes—they learn these skills through patient, supportive interactions with caring adults.
What comfort looks like:
- Creating space for whatever emotions emerge: “You must be feeling so many things right now”
- Not expecting them to “be brave” or “handle it well”
- Allowing behavior to regress temporarily while they process
- Staying physically and emotionally present even when they push you away
- Talking about the difficult thing when they’re ready, not according to your timeline
What doesn’t help:
- Expecting them to process loss or change on an adult timeline
- Correcting “bad” behavior that’s actually grief or stress response
- Trying to fix their feelings: “At least you still have…”
- Moving on quickly because their sadness makes you uncomfortable
Studies on trauma-informed approaches to children published in 2025 emphasize that children under stress can become stuck in fight, flight, or freeze responses. The nervous system’s stress response overrides the child’s ability to think and reason. Punishment doesn’t lead to learning or lasting behavior change in these states—it leads to fear and disconnection, undermining the very skills children need to cope with difficulty.
4. When They’ve Made a Mistake They Already Feel Bad About
Your child breaks something valuable by accident. They fail a test they studied hard for. They hurt a friend’s feelings without meaning to. And when they tell you, you can see the shame, guilt, or disappointment already weighing on them.
In these moments, piling on with correction or disappointment adds nothing useful—they’re already correcting themselves internally. What they need is grace and perspective.
Gottman’s emotion coaching research found that when parents respond to mistakes and failures as opportunities for connection and teaching rather than occasions for criticism, children develop healthier relationships with imperfection. They learn that mistakes are part of learning, not evidence of fundamental inadequacy.
What comfort looks like:
- Acknowledging their feelings first: “You feel really bad about this, I can see that”
- Separating the behavior from their worth: “You made a mistake, but mistakes don’t define who you are”
- Helping them make amends if needed, but not shaming them for what happened
- Sharing your own stories of mistakes and learning
What doesn’t help:
- “I told you so” or “If you’d been more careful…”
- Adding punishment on top of their natural consequences
- Expressing disappointment in them (versus disappointment about the situation)
- Making them feel like mistakes threaten your love or approval
Research on children’s self-regulation from 2004 found that parental emotion coaching predicted children’s ability to regulate emotions, behavior, and attention. Children whose parents could respond supportively to failures and mistakes developed better self-regulation because they learned to treat themselves with the same compassion their parents showed them.
5. When They’re Exhausted, Hungry, or Physically Unwell
It’s past bedtime, or they skipped lunch, or they’re coming down with something. And suddenly, the child who’s usually reasonable is having a meltdown over something minor, being uncooperative, or melting into tears over the smallest frustration.
Adults understand that being tired, hungry, or sick makes everything harder. We cut ourselves slack when we’re not feeling well. But somehow, we often forget to extend that same understanding to children—whose bodies and brains are still developing and whose capacity to regulate under physical stress is even more limited than ours.
What comfort looks like:
- Recognizing the signs: “You’re exhausted. Let’s get you to bed.”
- Lowering expectations temporarily: “I know you’re not feeling well, so I’m not going to push this right now”
- Meeting physical needs first: food, rest, comfort, medical attention
- Addressing any behavior issues later, when they’re in a better physical state to hear it and make changes
What doesn’t help:
- Expecting the same behavior from a child who’s physically compromised
- Correcting behavior that’s really just exhaustion or illness showing up
- Powering through because “they need to learn”
- Imposing consequences for behavior that wouldn’t have happened if their physical needs were met
MedlinePlus research on stress in childhood emphasizes that even small changes can impact a child’s feelings of safety and security. Physical discomfort—hunger, fatigue, illness—is a significant stressor for children. Parents can help by providing a safe, secure, dependable home, being a role model for stress management, and keeping their own stress under control.
The principle is simple: When physical needs aren’t met, behavior deteriorates. That’s not a character issue requiring correction—it’s a biological reality requiring comfort and care.
6. When They’re Trying to Tell You Something But Don’t Have the Words
Your toddler hits another child at playgroup. Your five-year-old suddenly starts having accidents after being potty-trained for a year. Your teenager becomes withdrawn and snappish, pulling away from family. These behaviors might seem like they warrant correction. But often, they’re communication—the child is trying to tell you something they don’t have language or courage to express directly.
Research examining fear-based parenting published in 2022 emphasizes that when children display challenging behaviors, it often reflects a need for connection, not isolation or punishment. Dr. Stuart Ablon, director of Think:Kids at Massachusetts General Hospital, notes that many behaviors are actually expressions of lagging skills or unmet needs.
What comfort looks like:
- Getting curious instead of judgmental: “I notice you’ve been hitting lately. What’s going on?”
- Looking for patterns: When does this behavior happen? What changed recently?
- Creating safety for them to share: “I’m not mad. I just want to understand and help.”
- Accepting that sometimes behavior is the message when words aren’t available
What doesn’t help:
- Immediately punishing the behavior without investigating the cause
- Assuming the behavior is deliberate defiance or manipulation
- Missing the communication because you’re focused on the behavior
- Imposing consequences that make the child feel even less safe sharing
Studies on positive discipline for children emphasize that discipline should teach a lesson, not just modify behavior through fear of consequences. When behavior is communication of an unmet need or lagging skill, punishment misses the point entirely. The child needs help developing the skills or addressing the need—and that starts with comfort and connection.
The Emotion Coaching Approach: Comfort, Then Guide
The five steps of emotion coaching, as developed by Gottman, provide a roadmap for these moments when comfort must come before correction:
Step 1: Notice the emotion. Become aware of low-intensity emotions before they escalate. The earlier you notice, the easier it is to coach.
Step 2: See it as an opportunity for connection and teaching. Rather than viewing your child’s difficult emotions as problems to eliminate, see them as chances to build your relationship and teach important skills.
Step 3: Listen empathetically and validate. This is the comfort part. “That sounds really hard.” “You’re feeling so frustrated right now.” You’re not agreeing that their response was appropriate—you’re acknowledging that their feelings are real.
Step 4: Help them label emotions. “It sounds like you’re feeling disappointed.” “That sounds like frustration mixed with worry.” Naming emotions helps regulate them.
Step 5: Set limits while exploring solutions. Only after Steps 1-4 do you address behavior: “It’s okay to feel angry. It’s not okay to hit. When you’re angry, you can use words, take a break, or ask for help. Let’s practice.”
Notice the sequence: comfort, validation, and connection come first. Limits and correction come last, after the child is emotionally regulated enough to actually hear and process them.
When Comfort Doesn’t Mean No Boundaries
A common fear parents express when learning about emotion coaching is: “If I comfort my child when they’re behaving badly, won’t I be rewarding the bad behavior? Won’t they think tantrums or defiance are okay?”
Research consistently shows this fear is unfounded. Emotion coaching doesn’t mean accepting all behavior. It means validating all emotions while still maintaining appropriate limits on behavior. As Gottman emphasized, emotionally coached children are actually better behaved because they’ve learned to regulate their emotions and because their parents can exert more positive influence through the strong relationship they’ve built.
The distinction: “You’re allowed to feel angry” (validating emotion) is different from “You’re allowed to hit” (accepting behavior). You can comfort a child who’s overwhelmed by anger while still setting a firm limit on aggressive behavior.
Studies examining emotion coaching interventions for families found that mothers who learned emotion coaching skills actually became more effective at setting limits and addressing problematic behaviors—not less—because the emotional connection they’d built through validating emotions gave them more influence in their children’s lives.
The Long-Term Impact of Getting This Right
When you learn to recognize moments that call for comfort rather than immediate correction, you’re doing something profoundly important for your child’s development.
Research from 2024 examining emotion coaching training with youth mentors found that children who experienced emotion coaching showed improved emotion regulation, reduced internalizing and externalizing behaviors, and better relationships with adults. These weren’t short-term effects—they represented lasting developmental gains.
Children who receive comfort in these crucial moments learn:
- Their emotions are valid, even when their behavior needs to change
- Overwhelming feelings are temporary and manageable
- Asking for help is strength, not weakness
- Mistakes and struggles don’t threaten love or belonging
- They have adults in their lives who can handle their biggest, scariest feelings
These lessons create the foundation for lifelong emotional health, relationship quality, and resilience in the face of challenges.
Moving Forward: Building Your Awareness
Start paying attention to your instinctive responses when your child’s behavior is problematic. Before you correct, ask yourself:
- What emotion might be driving this behavior?
- Is my child in a state where they can actually hear and process correction?
- Is there an unmet need underneath this behavior?
- What would happen if I offered comfort first?
You won’t get it right every time. Sometimes you’ll jump to correction when comfort was needed. When that happens, you can repair: “I rushed to correct you earlier, but I’m realizing you were really struggling in that moment. Let’s talk about what was happening for you.”
Research shows that even parents who grew up with dismissing or disapproving approaches to emotions can learn emotion coaching skills. It’s not about being perfect—it’s about building awareness of when children need you to see past the behavior to the heart that’s hurting or the nervous system that’s overwhelmed.
Because in those six moments—when they’re overwhelmed, scared, processing difficulty, already feeling bad, physically compromised, or trying to communicate something they don’t have words for—your child doesn’t need to be corrected. They need to be comforted. They need to know that even when their behavior is problematic, they are never a problem. They need to learn that big feelings don’t have to be faced alone.
And when you get that right, the correction—if it’s even still needed—becomes so much easier. Because you’ve built a relationship strong enough to handle it.
Which of these six moments do you find hardest to respond to with comfort first? Have you noticed how your child responds differently when you meet emotional distress with connection rather than immediate correction? Share your experiences in the comments—we’re all learning together how to be the emotion coaches our children need.
If this article helped you see moments differently, please share it with a parent who might benefit. Sometimes the most powerful shift in parenting comes from simply recognizing that beneath every challenging behavior is a child who needs to feel seen, safe, and supported.