Your normally chatty eight-year-old comes home from school and heads straight to their room. When you call them for dinner, they barely touch their food. “How was school?” you ask. “Fine,” they mumble, eyes fixed on their plate. Over the next few weeks, you notice they’re going to bed earlier, spending more time alone, and seem distant even when they’re sitting right next to you. When you ask if something’s wrong, they insist everything’s okay. But your gut tells you a different story.
Or maybe it’s this: Your five-year-old, who’s always been healthy as a horse, suddenly starts complaining of stomachaches every morning before school. You take them to the pediatrician, who runs tests but finds nothing wrong. “Probably just stress,” the doctor says casually. But stress? They’re five years old! What could they possibly be stressed about?
What many parents don’t realize is that children—especially younger ones—often can’t articulate what they’re feeling or experiencing. They don’t have the emotional vocabulary, the cognitive development, or sometimes even the conscious awareness to say “I’m anxious about the new teacher” or “I’m being excluded at recess” or “I’m worried about the fighting I hear at night.”
So instead, their bodies and behaviors speak for them. The question is: are we listening?
The Silent Language of Children’s Distress
Before we dive into the specific signs, let’s talk about why children can’t always tell us what’s wrong. Because understanding this changes how we interpret their behavior.
According to researchers who study child communication, nonverbal signals may be far more common than verbal ones—some estimates suggest that as much as 93% of interpersonal communication is nonverbal. For children, whose language and cognitive abilities are still developing, nonverbal communication becomes even more significant.
A 2024 study examining children’s communication skills found that the communication individuals establish with parents in early childhood shapes their entire life. The positive and effective communication established in the family enables children to acquire proper communication skills—but when children can’t or don’t communicate, it creates a gap that manifests in other ways.
Developmentally, young children often find it difficult to express their feelings and emotions through language because their cognitive abilities are still forming. Research on somatic symptom disorder in children suggests that when children can’t verbalize psychological distress, it frequently manifests as physical symptoms instead.
Think about it from their perspective. A seven-year-old doesn’t have words for “I’m experiencing social anxiety about the new classroom dynamics.” They just know their stomach hurts every morning before school. A ten-year-old can’t articulate “I’m processing complex feelings about my parents’ relationship.” They just know they want to be alone more.
Children also hold things in because they’re trying to protect us. They sense when we’re stressed, busy, or struggling ourselves. They don’t want to add to our burden. Or maybe they tried to tell us once, and we minimized it, so now they’ve learned to keep it inside.
Let’s look at the six most common ways children communicate distress without words.
6 Signs Your Child Is Holding Something In
1. Physical Symptoms Without Medical Cause
This is perhaps the most common way children express emotional distress—and the one that sends parents on the most wild goose chases through doctors’ offices.
What this actually looks like:
- Frequent stomachaches, especially before school or stressful events
- Headaches that come and go without clear triggers
- Unexplained fatigue or low energy
- Nausea or loss of appetite not related to illness
- Muscle tension or body aches
- Dizziness or “not feeling right”
According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, physical symptoms of emotional distress are called somatic symptoms, and somatization is the name used when emotional distress is expressed through physical symptoms. Everyone experiences this at times—your heart beating fast when you’re nervous, muscles tensing when you’re angry. These symptoms are very real to your child; they are not “faking it.”
A 2025 study published in Professional Medical Journal examining psychosomatic disorders in children found that the most common presenting complaints were headache (100%), dizziness (95%), fits-like activity (96%), limb pain (87.6%), abdominal pain (84%), and nausea (72%). These symptoms occurred either isolated or in combination, and were most common in children aged 5-10 years.
Why it happens: According to Cincinnati Children’s Hospital, somatic symptoms happen as a result of how the brain interprets stressors and communicates this information to the body. Any type of physical, emotional, or social stressor can activate the autonomic nervous system, which then increases symptoms. Think of it like a fire alarm that keeps going off even though the fire is out—the alarm (the symptom) is real, but there isn’t an active “fire” (injury or disease).
The pattern typically leads children to avoid situations where they feel symptoms, and this avoidance cycle only makes the symptoms stronger. Somatic symptoms often start after an illness, injury, or stressor that triggers the alarm, and symptoms can continue long after the original trigger has healed or passed.
What to watch for: Your pediatrician has ruled out medical causes, but symptoms persist or worsen. The symptoms appear at specific times (before school, during transitions, when discussing certain topics). Your child seems genuinely distressed by the symptoms—they’re not performing or seeking attention, they’re actually suffering.
2. Sudden Withdrawal from Friends and Activities
When children who were once social and engaged suddenly pull back from relationships and activities they used to love, their silence is screaming something.
What this actually looks like:
- Spending significantly more time alone in their room
- Declining invitations to play with friends
- Losing interest in hobbies or sports they previously enjoyed
- Avoiding family activities or gatherings
- Becoming quieter or less talkative than usual
- Difficulty making eye contact or engaging in conversation
Research from January 2025 examining emotional distress in children found that when children suddenly withdraw from social interactions, avoid playing with peers, or seem uninterested in activities they once enjoyed, they may be showing signs of emotional distress. While occasional quiet time is normal, consistent isolation or reluctance to engage socially can signal deeper concerns.
A 2024 meta-analysis published in Frontiers in Developmental Psychology examined long-term studies of childhood social withdrawal and found that it was a medium-size predictor of adult social anxiety disorder and a small-sized predictor of other anxiety disorders, depressive symptoms, and internalizing difficulties. The research revealed that socially withdrawn children may experience distress when they face interpersonal stress like peer exclusion or victimization, or when they lack support.
Why it happens: Withdrawal is often a protective mechanism. According to Anna Freud Centre research, when children feel frightened or anxious, they may become withdrawn, much quieter, or less responsive than usual. While older children and adults have a “fight or flight” response to stress, younger children who can’t fight or run away are left with “extreme passivity” as their only way of avoiding harm.
Sometimes withdrawal happens because a child feels they tried to communicate and weren’t heard or believed. Sometimes it’s because they’re processing something they don’t have words for. And sometimes, it’s simply that being around others requires energy they don’t have when they’re emotionally depleted.
What to watch for: The change is noticeable and sustained (not just a bad day or week). Your child seems sad or flat when alone, not content. They avoid specific people or situations that they previously enjoyed. When you try to engage them, they seem uncomfortable or eager to escape rather than simply needing alone time.
3. Changes in Sleep Patterns
Sleep is one of the first casualties when a child is holding something in. Their worry, fear, or distress follows them to bed and disrupts the rest they desperately need.
What this actually looks like:
- Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep
- Frequent nightmares or night terrors
- Sleeping much more than usual (using sleep as escape)
- Waking up throughout the night
- Wanting to sleep in parents’ bed after previously sleeping independently
- Appearing tired or exhausted despite adequate sleep time
A comprehensive guide from Capital Area Pediatrics notes that if your child suddenly has trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or is sleeping much more or much less than usual, this could be a red flag. Changes in sleep patterns, nightmares, or restless sleep can become more common when a child is dealing with significant stress or anxiety.
Why it happens: When children are anxious, stressed, or processing difficult experiences, their nervous system stays activated. Even when their body is tired, their mind won’t shut off. They might lie awake worrying, have dreams about whatever is bothering them, or wake frequently because their nervous system is in a heightened state of alert.
According to research on somatic symptoms, anxiety and stress can interfere with the body’s normal rhythms, including sleep-wake cycles. When a child’s mind is preoccupied with unprocessed emotions or unresolved situations, sleep becomes difficult because the brain can’t relax into the rest state.
What to watch for: Sleep changes that persist beyond a few days. Your child seems anxious around bedtime or resists going to bed more than usual. They report bad dreams or express fears about sleeping. The sleep disruption is affecting their daytime functioning—they’re more irritable, having trouble concentrating, or showing decreased energy during the day.
4. Regression to Younger Behaviors
When children are overwhelmed by something they can’t process or articulate, they sometimes go backward developmentally, returning to behaviors from when they felt safer or more cared for.
What this actually looks like:
- Bedwetting after being potty-trained
- Baby talk or thumb-sucking in older children
- Increased clinginess or separation anxiety
- Needing more physical comfort (wanting to be held, touched, reassured)
- Tantrums that seem developmentally younger than their age
- Wanting bottles, pacifiers, or other “baby” items they’d previously given up
Research on adjustment disorder in children notes that regression—reverting to behaviors typical of a younger age—is a common symptom of emotional distress. This can include bedwetting, thumb-sucking, or other behaviors the child had previously outgrown.
Why it happens: Regression is your child’s unconscious way of saying “I need more support right now” or “I felt safer when I was younger.” When children are overwhelmed, they return to behaviors that once brought them comfort or got their needs met. It’s also a way of communicating distress when they don’t have the words or emotional capacity to say “I’m struggling.”
Developmentally, when a child’s emotional resources are depleted by stress, anxiety, or unprocessed experiences, they don’t have the capacity to maintain more mature behaviors. It takes energy and emotional regulation to “act their age”—energy they’re currently using to manage their internal distress.
What to watch for: Regression that appears suddenly or increases in frequency. The behaviors seem to serve a self-soothing or comfort-seeking function rather than being manipulative. Your child seems genuinely distressed or needy rather than testing boundaries. The regression coincides with other changes in behavior or functioning.
5. Behavioral Changes or Acting Out
Sometimes children don’t go quiet—they go loud. But even acting out is a form of communication when children don’t have the words or permission to express what’s really wrong.
What this actually looks like:
- Sudden aggression or irritability
- Defiance or oppositional behavior that seems out of character
- Emotional outbursts over seemingly minor triggers
- Destruction of toys, belongings, or property
- Risk-taking or impulsive behaviors
- Fighting with siblings more than usual
- Difficulty controlling emotions or self-regulating
According to research on emotional distress in children from January 2025, irritability or mood swings are common behavioral signs. If your child becomes unusually irritable or moody, it may indicate internal discomfort. They might have frequent outbursts, show anger over small things, or seem less tolerant of frustrating situations.
A 2024 study examining aggressive and withdrawn behavior found that teachers recognized signs of anxiety or distress in children with behavioral changes, including emotional difficulties, fearfulness, nervous movements, and other negative emotions that manifested as disruptive behavior.
Why it happens: For some children, especially those who aren’t temperamentally prone to withdrawal, distress comes out as behavioral dysregulation instead. When they can’t name or process what they’re feeling, it explodes outward. Anger is often easier and safer to express than sadness, fear, or hurt—so those other emotions get transformed into behavioral acting out.
Think of it like a pot boiling over. The child has internal pressure building from whatever they’re experiencing, but they have no release valve for it. Eventually, that pressure has to go somewhere, and it comes out as behavioral problems.
What to watch for: Behaviors that represent a change from their baseline, not just their normal temperament. The behaviors seem driven by big emotions the child can’t manage rather than deliberate misbehavior. Traditional consequences or discipline don’t seem to help because you’re treating the symptom rather than the underlying cause. Your child seems as confused or upset by their own behavior as you are.
6. Perfectionistic Tendencies or Excessive Worry About Performance
When children become suddenly rigid, perfectionistic, or excessively worried about achievement, they’re often trying to control something when everything else feels out of control.
What this actually looks like:
- Spending excessive time on homework or projects, never satisfied with “good enough”
- Melting down over small mistakes
- Refusing to try new things for fear of not doing them perfectly
- Excessive worry about grades, performance, or adult approval
- Erasing work repeatedly or refusing to turn in assignments
- Rigid routines that become distressing if disrupted
- Excessive worry about “being good” or “being in trouble”
Research published in 2021 examining psychological characteristics of children with somatic symptom disorder found that perfectionism—characterized by consistent self-demand for superior functioning and perceptions that one’s environment expects the same—was strongly associated with emotional distress in children. Maladaptive perfectionism, described as self-criticism or perceived failure to live up to expectations, was particularly problematic.
Why it happens: Perfectionism in children often stems from anxiety or a need to feel in control. When other aspects of their life feel chaotic, uncertain, or threatening, controlling their performance becomes a way to manage anxiety. It can also be a response to perceived pressure from adults, a way to earn love and approval, or an attempt to prevent criticism or punishment.
For some children, perfectionism is a trauma response—if they can just be good enough, maybe the bad thing won’t happen. Maybe their parents won’t fight. Maybe they won’t get bullied. Maybe the teacher won’t get mad. The perfectionism is their attempt to create safety through flawless performance.
What to watch for: Perfectionism that causes significant distress or interferes with functioning. Your child becomes upset or anxious when things aren’t “perfect” rather than simply preferring things to be organized. They avoid activities where they might not excel immediately. Their self-worth seems entirely tied to achievement or adult approval. The perfectionism seems driven by fear rather than genuine pride in their work.
What These Signs Are Really Telling You
When you see these signs—especially multiple signs together or persisting over time—your child is communicating something important. They might not have the words, the awareness, or the emotional vocabulary to tell you directly, but they’re showing you through their body and behavior.
The challenge is that as parents, we often respond to the symptom rather than the underlying message. We take them to the doctor for the stomachaches. We punish the behavioral outbursts. We push them to be more social. We reassure them they don’t need to be perfect. All reasonable responses—but they miss what the child is really trying to communicate.
Research from Washington State University in 2018 found that emotional suppression has negative outcomes on children. When children can’t express what they’re holding inside, it doesn’t just disappear—it manifests in other ways and creates cycles of distress.
Think of these signs as your child’s nonverbal way of saying:
- “Something is too much for me to handle right now”
- “I don’t feel safe or secure”
- “I’m carrying something I don’t have words for”
- “I need help but I don’t know how to ask for it”
- “Something in my world isn’t okay”
How to Help Your Child Open Up
So what do you do when you recognize these signs? How do you help a child express what they’re holding in when they don’t even know how to identify it themselves?
Create safety before seeking information
Your first job isn’t to extract information from your child—it’s to create an environment where sharing feels safe. This means regulating your own emotions first. If you come at them with anxiety, urgency, or fear, they’ll pick up on it and shut down further.
Sit with them in comfortable silence. Be physically present without demanding conversation. Let them know through your calm presence that you can handle whatever they need to share.
Use observation instead of interrogation
Instead of “What’s wrong?” try “I’ve noticed you’ve been spending more time in your room lately” or “I see your tummy has been hurting a lot before school.” This removes pressure while showing you’re paying attention.
Name what you see without judgment: “You seem quieter than usual” or “That homework seems really frustrating for you.” This validates their experience without requiring them to explain it yet.
Offer multiple ways to communicate
Not all children will talk face-to-face, especially when discussing difficult topics. Offer alternatives:
- Drawing or art to express feelings
- Writing in a journal they can choose to share or keep private
- Talking during side-by-side activities (car rides, walking, doing dishes together)
- Using feeling charts or emotion cards to help them identify what they’re experiencing
- Storytelling or play that lets them work through issues indirectly
Make it safe to have all feelings
Children often hold things in because they’ve learned that certain feelings aren’t acceptable. Make it explicitly clear that all feelings are okay, even the hard ones. “It’s okay to feel angry” or “Sadness is part of being human” or “Fear doesn’t mean you’re weak.”
Share your own feelings appropriately: “I felt worried today when…” or “That made me feel frustrated.” This normalizes emotional expression and shows them it’s safe.
Don’t minimize or immediately fix
When your child does share something, resist the urge to immediately reassure them it’s not a big deal or to fix the problem. First, just listen. Validate. “That sounds really hard” or “No wonder you’ve been feeling upset.”
Their problem might seem small to you, but it’s enormous to them. Treating it as valid increases the likelihood they’ll share with you again in the future.
Get professional help when needed
If you’ve tried creating openness and your child still can’t or won’t express what’s wrong, or if the signs are significantly interfering with their daily functioning, it’s time to seek professional support.
According to guidance from Child Focus, if your child’s distress significantly interferes with school performance, social interactions, or family life, or if there are signs of self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or other severe behavioral changes, early intervention is crucial.
A child therapist can provide a safe, neutral space for your child to express what they’re holding in. Sometimes children will tell a therapist things they can’t tell their parents, not because they don’t trust their parents, but because they’re trying to protect them.
The Power of Patient Presence
The most important thing you can do for a child who’s holding something in is to remain a steady, patient, non-anxious presence in their life. You can’t force them to open up, and pushing too hard often makes them close down further.
But you can show up. Every day. With consistent love, with attentive observation, with the message that no matter what they’re carrying, you’re here to help them carry it when they’re ready.
Children are always communicating. The question isn’t whether they’re telling us something—it’s whether we’re listening with all our senses, not just our ears. Their bodies speak. Their behaviors speak. Their silences speak.
When we learn to hear what they’re saying without words, we can help them find the words. And when we help them find the words, we give them the tools to process what they’re holding inside instead of carrying it alone.
Your child doesn’t need you to be perfect. They don’t need you to have all the answers or to immediately solve every problem. They just need you to notice. To care. To stick around even when they push you away. To believe them when their body says something is wrong, even when their words say “I’m fine.”
That kind of presence—patient, attuned, consistent—creates the safety children need to eventually let out what they’ve been holding in. And that’s when healing can begin.
Moving Forward Together
If you’re seeing these signs in your child, take a breath. You’re not a bad parent for not noticing sooner. You’re not failing because your child is struggling. You’re here, reading this, trying to understand and help—and that’s exactly what your child needs.
Start paying attention to the patterns. When do the stomachaches happen? What situations trigger the withdrawal? Is there a correlation between the behavioral outbursts and specific stressors? Keep a simple log if it helps you see the patterns more clearly.
Talk to other adults in your child’s life—teachers, coaches, relatives who see them regularly. Ask if they’ve noticed anything concerning. Sometimes children show different signs in different settings.
Trust your instincts. If something feels off, it probably is. You know your child better than anyone. Don’t let anyone—including your child—talk you out of what your gut is telling you.
And remember: asking for help isn’t admitting failure. It’s modeling for your child that when we’re struggling, we reach out. That’s exactly what you want them to learn to do.
What signs have you noticed in your child that made you wonder if something was wrong? Have you found ways to help them open up about what they’re holding inside? Share your experience in the comments—your story might help another parent recognize what their child is trying to communicate.
If this post helped you see your child’s behavior in a new light, please share it with another parent. Sometimes we all need reminded to listen not just with our ears, but with our eyes, our intuition, and our hearts.