Picture this: It’s the first day of school, and while some kids are practically bouncing out of the car with excitement, your little one is wrapped around your leg like a koala, tears streaming down their face. “I don’t want to go, Mommy! Please don’t make me!”
If you’ve been there, you know that gut-wrenching feeling. Your heart breaks for them while simultaneously wondering if you’re doing something wrong. Why does your child struggle when others seem so carefree? You watch other parents give quick hugs and drive away while you’re still peeling little fingers off your shirt twenty minutes later.
Here’s what I want you to know right from the start: You’re not alone, and this is completely normal. Some kids are just wired differently when it comes to new situations, and that’s not a flaw—it’s just part of their unique personality. After years of researching and writing about parenting challenges, I can tell you that there’s so much hope ahead for families walking this path.
The Heart of the Matter
Before we dive into strategies, let’s get real about what we’re dealing with. Back-to-school anxiety isn’t just “first day jitters”—though those are normal too. For some kids, the thought of school creates genuine distress that can show up as stomachaches, trouble sleeping, clinginess, or even behavioral outbursts.
Here’s the thing: this anxiety is actually pretty common. Studies show that up to 20% of kids experience some form of school anxiety. Your child isn’t being dramatic or trying to manipulate you (though I know it can feel that way when you’re running late and dealing with a meltdown). Their nervous system is genuinely activated by the uncertainty and newness of the school environment.
The difference between normal nervousness and anxiety that needs our attention usually comes down to intensity and duration. Butterflies before the first day? Totally normal. Panic attacks every morning for weeks? That’s when we need to step in with extra support.
But here’s the key insight I want you to hold onto: When we honor their big feelings instead of dismissing them, we teach them that emotions are information, not emergencies. Our response as parents doesn’t just help them through this moment—it shapes their resilience for life.
How we show up in these tough moments teaches them whether their feelings are valid, whether they can trust us with their struggles, and whether they have what it takes to handle hard things. That’s a pretty big responsibility, but also an incredible opportunity.
7 Gentle Ways to Support Your Anxious Child
1. Validate Their Feelings First
This one’s hard, especially when you’re trying to get out the door and your child is melting down about school. Every fiber of your being wants to say, “You’ll be fine! There’s nothing to worry about!” But here’s why that backfires: when we dismiss their feelings, we’re essentially telling them that their internal experience isn’t trustworthy.
Instead, try sitting with them in their feelings first. Get down on their level and say something like, “This feels really big and scary right now, doesn’t it?” or “Your body is telling you that school feels overwhelming today.”
Child psychologists tell us that the relief on children’s faces is often immediate when parents respond this way—not because the anxiety goes away, but because they feel understood. One mom shared how her morning battles transformed when she stopped trying to fix her daughter’s feelings and simply acknowledged them instead.
Validation doesn’t mean you agree that school is dangerous or that they should stay home. It simply means you’re acknowledging that their feelings are real and understandable. From that place of feeling heard, they’re much more likely to be open to your help and guidance.
You might also try reflecting back what you see: “I notice your tummy hurts when we talk about school” or “It seems like you’re worried about making friends.” This helps them start to identify and name their emotions, which is the first step in learning to manage them.
2. Create a “Worry Time” Ritual
One of the most helpful things research has shown us is that anxiety loves to run wild when it has no boundaries. That’s why creating a designated “worry time” can be so powerful for anxious children. Mental health professionals recommend setting aside 10-15 minutes each day—maybe right after dinner or before bedtime—where your child can share all their worries about school.
Here’s how it works: During worry time, they get to say everything that’s on their mind. No judgment, no immediate problem-solving, just pure listening. Write their worries down on paper or put them in a special “worry jar.” The key is containing the anxiety to this specific time instead of letting it hijack your entire day.
Outside of worry time, when anxiety pops up, you can gently redirect: “That sounds like a worry for our worry time. Let’s write it down so we don’t forget to talk about it later.” This teaches them that worries don’t need immediate attention and that they have some control over when and where they engage with anxious thoughts.
During worry time, you can also help them sort their worries into categories: things they can control, things they can’t control, and things they need more information about. This isn’t about minimizing their concerns, but helping them see that not all worries require the same response.
Parents who’ve tried this approach often report that their kids feel so much relief just having a dedicated space for their anxious thoughts. It’s like cleaning out a messy room—suddenly everything feels more manageable.
3. Practice the New Routine
You know how we adults feel more confident when we know what to expect? Kids are the same way, but even more so. Anxiety often comes from the unknown, so practicing the school routine at home can work wonders according to child development experts.
Start with the morning routine. During the summer, try doing a few “practice runs” of getting ready for school. Set the alarm, get dressed, eat breakfast, and pack the backpack—the whole nine yards. Make it fun by timing yourselves or creating a morning playlist.
If possible, visit the school playground or walk around the building before the first day. Many schools offer orientation days or tours, but even just driving by and talking about where they’ll play at recess can help familiarize them with the environment.
Role-play different school scenarios at home. “What would you do if you needed to use the bathroom but couldn’t find the teacher?” or “How would you ask someone to play with you at recess?” These little practice sessions build confidence and give them a script to fall back on when they’re feeling uncertain.
Don’t forget to practice the goodbye routine too. Some kids do better with long, drawn-out goodbyes, while others prefer quick hugs and kisses. Figure out what works for your child and practice it beforehand so you’re not negotiating in the school parking lot.
The goal isn’t to eliminate all uncertainty—that’s impossible. But giving them a roadmap for what to expect can significantly reduce their anxiety and help them feel more prepared.
4. Build Their “Brave Toolbox”
Every anxious child needs a collection of tools they can use when big feelings hit. Think of it as their personal toolkit for managing anxiety. The key is making sure these tools are simple enough for them to remember and use when they’re feeling overwhelmed.
Deep breathing is probably the most important tool, but let’s be real—telling a panicked six-year-old to “take deep breaths” rarely works. Instead, therapists recommend making it concrete and fun. Try “smell the flower, blow out the candle” breathing, or have them trace their finger up and down their other hand while breathing in and out. Practice these techniques when they’re calm so they can access them when they’re not.
A comfort item for their backpack can be incredibly powerful. Maybe it’s a family photo, a smooth stone from your garden, or a small stuffed animal. Some schools don’t allow toys, but most teachers are understanding about comfort items for anxious children. The key is that it’s something that connects them to home and reminds them they’re loved.
Help them create positive self-talk phrases—but let them be involved in the process. Instead of generic affirmations, ask them what words make them feel strong. Maybe it’s “I am brave and I can do this” or “I can do hard things” or even “My family believes in me.” Write these phrases on index cards and practice saying them together.
Remember, the goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety completely—that’s not realistic or even healthy. The goal is to give them tools to manage it and move forward anyway.
5. Connect with Their Teacher
Many parents worry that reaching out to their child’s teacher about anxiety makes them look like overprotective helicopter parents. But education professionals consistently say that good teachers want to know about their students’ needs, and they can be incredible allies in helping your child succeed.
Share relevant information without overwhelming the teacher. A simple email might say, “Emma sometimes experiences anxiety about new situations. She does best when she knows what to expect and has a few minutes to settle in. She finds it helpful when adults acknowledge her feelings and give her time to adjust.”
Ask about the classroom routine and any strategies the teacher uses for anxious students. Many experienced teachers have seen this before and have tried-and-true methods for helping kids feel secure. Some might have a special job for anxious children, a quiet corner for breaks, or a signal system for when a child needs extra support.
Don’t be afraid to advocate for your child, but remember that the goal is partnership, not micromanagement. You’re not asking the teacher to eliminate all challenges for your child—you’re giving them tools to help your child navigate those challenges successfully.
If your child’s anxiety is significantly impacting their learning or social interactions, don’t hesitate to ask about additional resources. Many schools have counselors, social workers, or other support staff who specialize in helping anxious children.
6. Focus on Connection, Not Perfection
Here’s something every parent of an anxious child needs to hear: pushing a child to “get over it” almost always backfires. When we focus on eliminating their anxiety instead of supporting them through it, we often create more anxiety.
Instead, focus on connection. After a tough morning, don’t launch into a lecture about how school isn’t scary. Instead, acknowledge how hard it was: “That was a really tough morning for you. I’m proud of you for going to school even when it felt scary.”
Celebrate small wins. Maybe your child only cried for five minutes instead of fifteen. Maybe they made it to the classroom door without turning back. Maybe they told you about one good thing that happened at school. These are all victories worth acknowledging.
Meet them where they are developmentally. A five-year-old’s anxiety looks different from a ten-year-old’s anxiety, and your response should reflect that. Younger children might need more physical comfort and simple explanations, while older children might be ready for more sophisticated coping strategies.
Remember that progress isn’t linear. Your child might have a great week followed by a terrible day, and that’s completely normal. Anxiety tends to ebb and flow, especially during times of transition or stress.
Most importantly, let them know that their worth isn’t tied to how brave they are or how well they handle anxiety. They are loved and valued exactly as they are, big feelings and all.
7. Take Care of Your Own Anxiety
This one might be the most important, and it’s definitely the hardest. Kids are like little emotional sponges—they absorb our anxiety even when we think we’re hiding it well. If you’re stressed about their school anxiety, they’re going to pick up on that energy.
Picture a parent standing in the school parking lot, watching their child walk into the building, shoulders up around their ears and jaw clenched. How can that child feel calm about school when their parent is clearly anxious about it too?
Start by examining your own beliefs about school and anxiety. Are you catastrophizing? Are you taking their struggles personally? Are you afraid that their anxiety reflects poorly on your parenting? Getting honest about your own fears is the first step in managing them.
Practice your own coping strategies. Maybe it’s deep breathing in the car after drop-off, going for a walk, calling a friend, or spending a few minutes in prayer or meditation. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and your child needs you to be regulated so you can help them regulate.
Model healthy coping strategies in front of your children. Let them see you take deep breaths when you’re stressed, hear you say “I’m feeling worried about this, but I know we can figure it out,” or watch you ask for help when you need it. This teaches them that everyone has big feelings sometimes and that there are healthy ways to handle them.
Remember that seeking support for yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. Whether that’s talking to other parents, seeing a counselor, or just giving yourself permission to feel overwhelmed sometimes, taking care of your own mental health is part of taking care of your child.
When to Seek Additional Support
While school anxiety is common and often manageable with the strategies we’ve discussed, there are times when professional help might be needed. Here are some red flags to watch for:
- Anxiety that persists for more than a few weeks without improvement
- Physical symptoms like frequent stomachaches, headaches, or trouble sleeping
- Panic attacks or intense fear responses
- Significant impact on daily functioning (refusing to go to school, extreme clinginess, regression in other areas)
- Your child expressing thoughts of self-harm or saying things like “I wish I wasn’t here”
If you’re seeing any of these signs, please don’t hesitate to reach out to your child’s pediatrician, school counselor, or a mental health professional who specializes in working with children. Early intervention can make a huge difference, and there are many effective treatments for childhood anxiety.
Remember, seeking help isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a sign of love. You’re advocating for your child and getting them the support they need to thrive. That’s exactly what a good parent does.
There are also many resources available for parents. Organizations like the Anxiety and Depression Association of America have helpful information, and many communities have support groups for parents of anxious children.
A Moment of Reflection for Parents
Parenting an anxious child feels overwhelming sometimes. We want so desperately to protect our children from pain and fear, but we know that’s not always possible or even helpful. Give yourself permission to be patient with the process and trust that there’s a plan for your child’s growth and development.
Remember to calm your own anxious heart so that you can be a source of peace for your children. Your child’s sensitivity isn’t a weakness—it’s part of what makes them uniquely who they are.
Trust that your children have courage for each new day and help them know deep in their hearts that they are loved, valued, and capable of handling whatever comes their way.
Moving Forward with Hope
School anxiety is hard—for kids and for parents. But there is so much hope ahead. The child who struggles with anxiety today often becomes the adult who is deeply empathetic, highly intuitive, and incredibly resilient. The skills they learn now for managing big feelings will serve them well throughout their lives.
Your love, patience, and support are making a difference, even when it doesn’t feel like it. Every time you validate their feelings, every morning you help them face their fears, every small victory you celebrate—it’s all building their confidence and resilience.
Remember that you don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t have to fix their anxiety or make it disappear. You just have to show up with love, patience, and the willingness to walk through it with them. And that’s exactly what you’re doing.
I’d love to hear from you! Have you walked through school anxiety with your child? What strategies have worked for your family? Share your experiences in the comments below—your story might be exactly what another parent needs to hear today.
And if this post encouraged you, please share it with a parent who might need some hope and practical strategies. Sometimes just knowing we’re not alone in this journey makes all the difference.
Save this post for those tough school mornings when you need a reminder that you’re doing a great job and your child is going to be okay.