You walk into a meeting with a brilliant idea. You’ve done the research, you know your stuff, and you’re genuinely excited about what you’re about to propose. But as you start to speak, you notice your hands are fidgeting with your pen. You hear yourself saying “I’m sorry” before presenting your suggestion. Your voice trails off at the end of sentences as though you’re asking questions instead of making statements. By the time you finish, you’ve somehow managed to make your brilliant idea sound like a hesitant suggestion you’re not even sure about yourself.
Later, a colleague who presented a far less developed idea gets the green light instead. You’re confused and frustrated. Why didn’t they take you seriously?
Or maybe it’s this: You’re at a networking event, genuinely knowledgeable about your field and accomplished in your career. But when someone asks what you do, you downplay it: “Oh, I just work in marketing.” When they compliment a project you led, you deflect: “It was really a team effort. I honestly didn’t do that much.” You avoid eye contact, cross your arms, and unconsciously make yourself smaller. People walk away from conversations with you remembering you as nice, but not particularly impressive or competent.
Sound familiar? If so, you might be accidentally sabotaging yourself with behaviors that communicate insecurity—even when you’re actually quite confident in your abilities. The frustrating truth is that it’s not just what you know or what you say that matters. It’s how you say it, how you carry yourself, and the hundreds of subtle signals you send without even realizing it.
The Confidence Paradox: When Your Behavior Contradicts Your Ability
Before we explore the specific behaviors that undermine confidence, let’s talk about why this matters so much. Because you might be thinking: “Shouldn’t my work speak for itself? Shouldn’t people judge me on substance, not style?”
In an ideal world, yes. But we don’t live in an ideal world. We live in one where research shows that individuals with high social anxiety appear less confident, less affiliative, and less synchronous in social interactions than those with low anxiety—even when their actual competence is identical. The way you present yourself profoundly impacts how others perceive your abilities.
Research from January 2024 examining behaviors that signal low confidence found that many people have bucketloads of self-assurance internally, but their external behaviors send completely opposite messages—signaling insecurity and self-doubt to everyone around them.
This creates a painful paradox: you might be highly skilled and knowledgeable, but if your behavior screams “I’m not sure about this,” people will doubt you. Meanwhile, someone with half your expertise but twice your confident presentation style might be taken far more seriously.
The good news? Once you become aware of these confidence-undermining behaviors, you can change them. Let’s look at the seven most common culprits.
7 Behaviors That Make You Seem Less Confident
1. Apologizing for Everything (Especially Things That Don’t Warrant Apologies)
This is perhaps the most pervasive confidence killer, particularly among women. When you apologize constantly—for taking up space, for having opinions, for existing—you train others to see you as unsure and tentative.
What this looks like:
- “Sorry, can I just ask a question?”
- “Sorry I’m late” (when you’re actually on time)
- “I’m sorry, but I have a different perspective”
- “Sorry to bother you with this”
- Apologizing for other people’s mistakes
- Saying sorry before making any request or statement
According to research from January 2024, saying sorry for every little thing makes you seem unsure of yourself, as though you’re always expecting to make a mistake. While apologizing when it’s actually needed is appropriate, making it a default response undermines your presence and authority.
Why this undermines confidence: Each unnecessary apology sends the message that you don’t believe you deserve to take up space, ask questions, or express your perspective. It positions you as subordinate before the conversation even begins. You’re essentially pre-apologizing for your existence.
Research examining insecure behaviors found that over-apologizing is a clear sign of insecurity. People who constantly say “I’m sorry” feel the need to take blame for everything or are perpetually worried about upsetting others.
What to do instead: Before you apologize, pause and ask yourself: “Did I actually do something wrong?” If the answer is no, replace “sorry” with “thank you” when appropriate. Instead of “Sorry I’m late,” try “Thank you for waiting.” Instead of “Sorry to bother you,” try “Thanks for taking the time.” This reframes the interaction from fault to gratitude, which maintains a more confident and positive tone.
When you must make a request, state it directly: “Can I ask a question?” or “I have a different perspective” doesn’t need “sorry” attached to it.
2. Using Qualifiers and Hedging Language That Weakens Your Statements
You might think you’re being appropriately modest or collaborative, but excessive qualifying language actually makes you sound uncertain about information you actually know to be true.
What this looks like:
- “I’m not an expert, but…”
- “This might be wrong, but I think…”
- “I could be mistaken, but…”
- “I’m not sure, but maybe…”
- “Just my opinion, but…”
- Ending statements with rising intonation (upspeak) that makes declarations sound like questions
Why this undermines confidence: Qualifiers are pre-emptive strikes against criticism. You’re protecting yourself from being wrong by hedging every statement with disclaimers. But in doing so, you’re telling your audience not to take you seriously. You’re essentially saying: “I don’t trust my own expertise, so you shouldn’t either.”
In professional settings particularly, this can be devastating. When you present analysis with “I could be wrong, but these numbers suggest…” you’ve already given permission for people to dismiss your findings. Someone else could present the exact same data without qualifiers and be taken far more seriously.
What to do instead: If you’ve done your research and you know your information is accurate, state it directly. Instead of “I’m not sure, but I think the deadline is Friday,” say “The deadline is Friday.” If you genuinely aren’t certain, you can qualify without undermining yourself: “I’ll need to verify this, but I believe the deadline is Friday” positions you as thorough rather than uncertain.
Practice removing “just” from your vocabulary: “I just wanted to check in” becomes “I’m checking in.” “I’m just following up” becomes “I’m following up.” Notice the increased authority in these simple edits.
3. Fidgeting and Nervous Physical Habits
Your body language often speaks louder than your words. When your physical presence screams nervousness, people subconsciously interpret that as lack of confidence in what you’re saying.
What this looks like:
- Playing with your hair, jewelry, or clothing
- Tapping feet or bouncing legs
- Clicking pens or playing with objects
- Touching your face or neck repeatedly
- Shifting weight constantly while standing
- Excessive hand gestures that seem nervous rather than emphatic
Research examining body language and credibility found that fidgeting is one of the most classic signals of nervousness. While witnesses in legal settings are in high-anxiety situations, jurors perceive fidgeting as nervousness about what the person is saying, rather than simply public-speaking anxiety.
Why this undermines confidence: According to research from January 2025, fidgeting in body language is generally considered a negative sign as it may indicate nervousness, anxiety, boredom, or lack of confidence. More concerning, a survey by workforce solutions company Adecco USA found that over 500 managers reported rejecting one-fifth of job candidates specifically because of fidgeting—they felt it betrayed a lack of confidence and preparation.
The body is a feedback system, so the more you engage in nervous behaviors, the more your body floods with adrenaline, which makes you more nervous. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle.
What to do instead: The first step is awareness. Notice when and where you fidget. Is it during presentations? When receiving feedback? In meetings with senior leadership? Identifying triggers helps you prepare.
Practice keeping your hands still and purposeful. Research from June 2025 suggests channeling nervous energy into something less visible—like slow calf stretches under a desk or bending a paperclip out of view. If you need to keep your hands occupied, hold a pen or rest them folded on the table rather than letting them wander.
The goal isn’t to eliminate all movement—natural, emphatic gestures that support your message are different from repetitive, nervous fidgeting.
4. Poor Posture: Physically Making Yourself Smaller
How you carry your body sends immediate signals about your confidence level. When you literally shrink yourself, you communicate submission and insecurity.
What this looks like:
- Slouching or hunching shoulders
- Crossing arms tightly across your chest
- Leaning backward rather than slightly forward
- Taking up minimal space (pulling arms and legs in close)
- Lowering your head or avoiding looking up
- Standing with weight unevenly distributed or looking unstable
Research on nonverbal social cues found that body posture and movement are important indicators of powerful behavior. Power is associated with more bodily openness, more erect or tense posture. Conversely, studies found that high social anxiety levels were associated with slumped and closed posture, while low social anxiety was associated with expansive posture.
Why this undermines confidence: According to research examining insecure behaviors, people who feel secure and confident typically stand tall with shoulders back and heads held high. Those who are insecure often have slouched or hunched posture—it’s like they’re trying to make themselves smaller or less noticeable.
Interestingly, the relationship works both ways: research has shown that adopting an upright posture can actually make you feel more confident and less stressed. Your posture doesn’t just reflect your confidence—it can create or diminish it.
What to do instead: Practice standing and sitting with your shoulders back, head level, and taking up appropriate space. Recommendations from body language experts include sitting or standing upright with shoulders back and arms unfolded by your sides or in front of you. Keep your head upright and level—leaning too far forward can seem aggressive while leaning back can seem arrogant.
When standing, keep your weight evenly distributed with one foot slightly ahead of the other for stability. Practice this posture at home so it becomes natural rather than feeling staged.
5. Avoiding Eye Contact or Having Inconsistent Gaze
Eye contact is fundamental to human connection and one of the most powerful signals of confidence. When you can’t or won’t maintain it, people make immediate negative assumptions about your credibility.
What this looks like:
- Looking down or away when speaking
- Darting eyes that can’t settle
- Focusing on objects rather than people
- Looking at the floor, ceiling, or past someone rather than at them
- Breaking eye contact too quickly
- Staring too intensely (the opposite problem)
Research on witness credibility from August 2025 found that eye contact is one of the fundamental ways humans relate to one another. A long history of research shows that lack of eye contact—looking down and away or having quick, darting eye movements—can be perceived as the witness being distracted, unengaged, or even deceptive. Comparatively, those who provide direct eye contact are evaluated as confident, knowledgeable, open, and engaging.
Why this undermines confidence: According to research from June 2025, it takes strength and confidence to maintain eye contact, which is why lack of it signals discomfort and insecurity. If you’re not feeling confident or sure of yourself, it’s much less likely that you’ll be able to hold eye contact, and people will pick up on that immediately.
What to do instead: If direct eye contact feels too intense initially, start by looking at the bridge of someone’s nose or the area between their eyes. Practice with friends or family first before attempting it in high-stakes situations. Research recommendations suggest gradually building comfort with eye contact during conversations—you don’t need to stare, just occasional, steady eye contact can make a significant difference.
When you do break eye contact, look to the side rather than down. Looking down signals lower status, shame, or submission.
6. Over-Explaining and Justifying Your Decisions or Actions
Confident people make statements. Insecure people feel compelled to justify every decision, provide elaborate explanations, and defend choices that don’t require defending.
What this looks like:
- Providing lengthy justifications for simple decisions
- Explaining your reasoning even when not asked
- Defending yourself preemptively against criticism that hasn’t been voiced
- Feeling the need to justify why you took time off, made a particular choice, or held a specific opinion
- Adding extensive context that waters down your message
Research from January 2024 notes that over-explaining is a common sign of lacking confidence. You don’t owe everyone an in-depth explanation for your actions or decisions.
Why this undermines confidence: Over-explaining signals that you don’t trust your own judgment or that you expect others to question it. It makes you seem defensive before anyone has even challenged you. It also dilutes your message—when you bury a clear statement under paragraphs of justification, the actual point gets lost.
The irony is that confident people can simply state their position and let it stand. They don’t feel compelled to convince everyone or defend against every possible objection.
What to do instead: Practice concise, clear communication. State your decision or position clearly, and then stop. Trust that it’s valid without needing constant justification. If someone asks for clarification, you can provide it—but don’t offer lengthy explanations when none are requested.
The difference between sharing necessary context and over-justifying is subtle but important. Ask yourself: “Would I expect this level of explanation from someone else in this situation?” If not, you’re probably over-explaining.
7. Self-Deprecating Humor and Excessive Modesty
There’s a fine line between humility and self-sabotage. While you don’t want to come across as arrogant, constantly downplaying your achievements and making yourself the butt of jokes undermines how others perceive your competence.
What this looks like:
- Deflecting compliments: “Oh, it was nothing” or “I just got lucky”
- Making jokes at your own expense to seem relatable
- Minimizing your accomplishments when discussing them
- Attributing success entirely to others or to luck
- Describing yourself with diminishing language: “I’m just a [role]”
- Excessive modesty that reads as false or uncomfortable
Research examining self-sabotaging behaviors found that self-effacing behavior can emerge when people have trouble believing in their own abilities. A particular problem for women, extreme modesty can hinder success by derailing one’s own confidence and by hindering other people’s confidence in you, as research shows that self-effacing individuals are generally better liked but are also seen as less competent.
Why this undermines confidence: When you consistently deflect praise and minimize your achievements, you train others to see your work as less valuable. According to research on self-sabotage from February 2025, extreme modesty can undermine success by diminishing self-confidence and affecting others’ perceptions of competence.
The message becomes: “Even I don’t think my work is that good, so you shouldn’t either.” And people believe you.
What to do instead: Practice accepting compliments graciously with a simple “Thank you” or “I appreciate that.” You don’t need to diminish the compliment or immediately redirect to others. When discussing your work, be factual about your contributions without either bragging or self-deprecating.
Instead of “I just got lucky,” try “I worked hard on that project and I’m pleased with how it turned out.” Instead of “Oh, anyone could have done it,” say “Thank you, I put a lot of effort into it.”
Balance is key. You can acknowledge teamwork and help from others without erasing your own contribution: “I led a great team on that project” gives credit to others while still owning your leadership role.
The Deeper Impact: How These Behaviors Create Self-Fulfilling Prophecies
What makes these confidence-undermining behaviors particularly insidious is that they create cycles that reinforce themselves. Research from October 2025 on self-sabotage found that negative self-talk and self-criticism undermine confidence and reinforce self-doubt. Individuals with harsh inner critics continuously question their abilities, which prevents them from pursuing opportunities or taking pride in accomplishments.
Here’s how the cycle works: You engage in these behaviors because you feel uncertain or anxious. Others perceive you as less confident or competent. They treat you accordingly—giving opportunities to others, dismissing your ideas, not taking you seriously. This confirms your fear that you’re not good enough, which increases your anxiety and insecurity, which intensifies these behaviors. Round and round it goes.
Research from December 2024 examining self-defeating behaviors notes that negative self-talk reinforces self-doubt and can paralyze your ability to take action toward goals. It undermines self-confidence and can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure.
But you can break this cycle. Awareness is the first step. Once you recognize these patterns, you can consciously choose different behaviors—and as your behaviors change, others’ perceptions of you change, which creates positive reinforcement that genuinely builds your confidence.
Moving Forward: Aligning Your External Presence With Your Internal Capability
If you’re recognizing yourself in multiple of these behaviors, don’t despair. These are learned patterns, which means they can be unlearned. The goal isn’t to become someone you’re not—it’s to allow your external presentation to accurately reflect your actual competence and confidence.
Start with awareness
For the next week, simply notice when you engage in these behaviors. Don’t try to change anything yet—just observe. Which behaviors are you most prone to? When do they show up? What triggers them?
Choose one behavior to focus on
Don’t try to change everything at once. Pick one behavior that you recognize as particularly problematic and work on it consistently for a few weeks before adding another.
Practice in low-stakes situations
Try out new behaviors with friends, family, or in situations where the stakes are lower. Get comfortable making eye contact with the barista before attempting it in a board meeting.
Celebrate small wins
Notice when you successfully avoid apologizing unnecessarily or when you maintain better posture during a conversation. Each small success builds momentum.
Consider the message you’re sending
Before engaging in one of these behaviors, ask yourself: “What am I communicating with this action? Is it what I want to convey?”
Remember: confidence isn’t about being perfect or never feeling uncertain. It’s about presenting yourself in ways that allow others to see your actual competence and capability. When your behavior aligns with your knowledge and skills, opportunities open up that were previously closed.
You have expertise, ideas, and contributions that matter. Don’t let unconscious behaviors prevent others from seeing that. Stand tall, speak clearly, and claim the space you deserve.
Which of these behaviors do you catch yourself doing most often? Have you noticed how changing one of these patterns affected how others responded to you? Share your experience in the comments below.
And if this post helped you recognize confidence-undermining behaviors you weren’t aware of, please share it. Everyone deserves to be seen for their actual capabilities, not held back by unconscious habits that don’t reflect who they truly are.