Picture this: You’re trying to enjoy a peaceful Saturday morning when the screaming starts from the living room. “Mom! She’s looking at me!” “He started it!” “That’s not fair!” Before you know it, you’re standing between your two children like a referee at a boxing match, trying to figure out who did what to whom and how on earth something as simple as watching TV together turned into World War III.
Or maybe it’s the car ride scenario that makes you want to pull over and walk home. Your 8-year-old announces he got an A on his spelling test, and your 6-year-old immediately pipes up with “Well, I got two stickers today!” Then the 8-year-old fires back with “Stickers are for babies,” and suddenly you’re listening to a full-blown argument about whose achievements matter more while you’re just trying to get everyone home from school in one piece.
Perhaps it’s the dinner table battle that happens every single night. You ask your daughter to pass the salt, and your son jumps in with “You never ask me to do anything!” When you ask him to help clear the table, your daughter smugly announces that she already did more work today. Within minutes, you’re mediating a dispute about who helps more around the house while your food gets cold and your patience evaporates.
If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Sibling rivalry is completely normal—research shows it’s a natural part of childhood development that can actually help children learn negotiation, conflict resolution, and social skills. But here’s what many parents don’t realize: some of our well-intentioned responses to sibling conflict can actually make things worse, turning occasional squabbles into chronic family tension.
The sibling relationship is likely to last longer than any other relationship in one’s lifetime and plays an integral part in family life. When we handle sibling rivalry in ways that escalate rather than resolve conflict, we’re not just making our current days harder—we’re potentially affecting our children’s relationships with each other for decades to come.
Recent research from 2022 shows that sibling conflicts can be detrimental to physical and psychological development when they become chronic and intense. But the good news is that understanding what not to do is often just as helpful as knowing what to do. By avoiding these common mistakes, you can help your children develop healthier ways of relating to each other while maintaining your own sanity in the process.
Understanding the Sibling Rivalry Mind
Before we dive into the mistakes, it’s worth understanding what’s really happening when siblings fight. Sibling rivalry typically arises from a quest for parental love and attention, which can manifest in various behaviors, from mild disagreements to more intense hostility. But while this might look like simple misbehavior, it’s actually a complex developmental process.
Children are constantly trying to figure out their place in the family system. They’re asking questions like “Am I loved as much as my sibling?” “Do I get enough attention?” “What makes my parents proud?” When they perceive any imbalance in how they’re treated compared to their siblings, their nervous systems can activate a threat response that shows up as jealousy, competition, or acting out.
Research reveals that factors like age differences, birth order, gender, and family dynamics all influence these rivalries. Siblings who are close in age may experience more frequent competition due to shared life experiences and developmental stages. Birth order creates natural differences in how children experience the family, with older children often feeling displaced by younger ones and younger children sometimes feeling like they can never catch up.
The key insight that changes everything is this: most sibling rivalry isn’t actually about the thing they’re fighting over. It’s about the underlying question of “Do you love me as much as you love them?” When we respond to the surface-level conflict without addressing this deeper need for reassurance and belonging, we often accidentally make the rivalry worse.
The 5 Mistakes That Fuel the Fire
1. Making Comparisons Between Your Children
The comparison trap is one of the most damaging patterns parents can fall into, yet it’s so automatic that many of us don’t even realize we’re doing it. “Why can’t you be more like your sister who always does her homework without being asked?” “Your brother never acts this way.” “Look how nicely your sister is sitting while you’re bouncing around.” These statements might seem like innocent observations or attempts at motivation, but to children, they feel like evidence that they’re failing to measure up to their sibling.
Recent research from Brigham Young University in 2025 reveals something crucial: parents do tend to show subtle favoritism based on birth order, personality, and gender, with parents often favoring younger children and daughters, while more responsible children get the best treatment regardless of age. The problem is that children are incredibly attuned to these differences, and when we make comparisons explicit, we’re essentially confirming their fears that love in the family is conditional and competitive.
Comparisons create what psychologists call a “scarcity mindset” around parental love and approval. Children begin to believe that if their sibling is good at something, there’s less room for them to be good at it too. If their sibling gets praise, it somehow diminishes their own worth. This thinking fuels constant competition because children feel like they need to prove they’re better than their sibling to secure their place in your heart.
The damage from comparisons extends far beyond childhood. Studies following families into adulthood show that perceived parental favoritism in childhood continues to affect sibling relationships decades later. Adults who felt less favored as children often carry resentment toward both their siblings and their parents, while those who felt favored sometimes struggle with guilt and pressure to maintain their “favorite” status.
Instead of comparisons, focus on each child’s individual growth and effort. “I notice you’ve been working really hard on your math homework this week” honors your child’s progress without bringing their sibling into it. “You handled that frustrating situation better than you did last month” helps them see their own development without measuring it against someone else’s.
2. Trying to Make Everything “Fair” All the Time
The quest for perfect fairness is perhaps the most exhausting and counterproductive mistake parents make when dealing with sibling rivalry. We think that if we can just make sure everything is exactly equal—same number of activities, same amount of screen time, identical birthday party budgets—our children will stop fighting. But research shows that trying to make everything fair often creates more conflict, not less.
The problem with the fairness approach is that it teaches children to constantly monitor what their siblings are getting and to keep score of every perceived inequality. Instead of learning to focus on their own needs and experiences, they become hypervigilant about making sure they’re not getting shortchanged. This creates a family dynamic where everyone is constantly comparing rather than simply living.
Children have different needs at different ages and developmental stages. Your 4-year-old needs a longer bedtime routine than your 8-year-old. Your teenager needs different privileges than your elementary schooler. Your child who struggles with anxiety might need more emotional support during difficult periods. Trying to make these natural differences “fair” often means either giving younger children privileges they’re not ready for or denying older children age-appropriate freedoms.
The fairness trap also prevents children from learning that life itself isn’t fair, and that’s okay. In the real world, people get different opportunities, face different challenges, and need different kinds of support at different times. When we try to shield our children from any inequality within the family, we’re not preparing them for the reality they’ll face outside our home.
What children really need isn’t identical treatment—it’s the secure knowledge that they’re each loved unconditionally and that their individual needs will be met. This means explaining age-appropriate differences instead of pretending they don’t exist. “You’re asking why your sister gets to stay up later. She’s older, and older children have later bedtimes. When you’re her age, you’ll get to stay up later too.” This acknowledges the difference while reassuring them that it’s based on developmental needs, not favoritism.
Research shows that children actually feel more secure when they understand that family rules and privileges are based on individual readiness and need rather than artificial equality. They learn to focus on their own growth and development instead of constantly measuring themselves against their siblings.
3. Taking Sides or Playing Judge in Every Conflict
When children come to us with sibling conflicts, our instinct is often to figure out who’s right, who’s wrong, and how to solve the problem for them. We ask detailed questions about what happened, make determinations about who started it, and dole out consequences accordingly. While this might feel like good parenting, research shows that consistently playing judge in sibling conflicts often makes rivalry worse rather than better.
When parents regularly take sides in sibling disputes, several problematic patterns emerge. First, children learn that the way to handle conflict is to run to an authority figure rather than learning to negotiate and problem-solve with each other. They develop what researchers call “learned helplessness” around conflict resolution, becoming dependent on parental intervention instead of building their own social skills.
Second, playing judge creates a winner-loser dynamic that intensifies rivalry. The child who gets validated feels temporarily triumphant but learns that their worth depends on being “right.” The child who gets blamed feels resentful not just toward their sibling but also toward the parent who sided against them. This pattern can actually increase the frequency of conflicts because children learn that fighting gets them parental attention and the possibility of “winning.”
Perhaps most importantly, consistently taking sides prevents children from learning that relationships can survive disagreement and conflict. When we swoop in to determine who’s right every time there’s a dispute, we’re inadvertently teaching our children that conflict is dangerous and must be avoided or quickly resolved by an outside authority. They don’t learn that people can disagree, work through their differences, and still love each other.
A 2022 meta-analysis on parenting styles and sibling conflicts found that authoritative parenting—which involves setting clear boundaries while allowing children to work through conflicts with guidance rather than intervention—was associated with less intense and less frequent sibling rivalry. Children whose parents supported them in developing conflict resolution skills had better long-term sibling relationships.
Instead of automatically playing judge, try saying something like, “I can see you’re both upset about this. What ideas do you have for solving this problem together?” or “This seems like something you two can work out. I’m here if you need help, but I’d like to see you try first.” This approach teaches children that they’re capable of handling interpersonal challenges and that conflicts don’t require an outside authority to resolve.
4. Giving Negative Attention to Rivalry Behaviors
One of the most counterintuitive aspects of sibling rivalry is that our attempts to stop it can actually reinforce it. When children are competing for parental attention, any attention—even negative attention—can feel like winning. The child who successfully gets you to intervene in a sibling conflict has achieved their goal: they’ve captured your focus and energy, even if it comes with consequences.
Think about what typically happens when siblings start fighting. Parents usually rush in with urgent energy, asking lots of questions, expressing frustration, and spending significant time trying to resolve the situation. From a child’s perspective, this is a huge amount of parental attention and engagement. If they’re feeling overlooked or less important than their sibling, creating conflict becomes an effective strategy for getting noticed.
Research on attention and behavior shows that behaviors that receive attention—even negative attention—are more likely to be repeated. When we consistently give our energy to sibling conflicts, we’re inadvertently teaching our children that fighting is an effective way to get our involvement and focus. The child who feels less noticed than their sibling quickly learns that starting an argument guarantees immediate parental attention.
This dynamic is especially problematic when parents are stretched thin or distracted. Children who feel disconnected from us will often escalate their behavior to get the connection they need. Sibling rivalry can become their way of ensuring that we notice them and engage with them, even if that engagement is stressful for everyone involved.
The solution isn’t to ignore serious conflicts or safety issues, but to be strategic about when and how we give our attention. Try to give more energy and focus to positive interactions between siblings than to negative ones. When you see your children playing well together, make a point to notice and appreciate it. When they help each other or show kindness, acknowledge these moments specifically.
For minor conflicts that don’t involve safety, consider using what researchers call “planned ignoring”—stepping back and allowing children to work through small disagreements without your intervention. This removes the attention reward for conflict while still being available if they truly need help. You might say something like, “I can see you’re working on solving this problem. Let me know if you need my help” and then physically remove yourself from the immediate area.
5. Labeling Your Children or Assigning Family Roles
“She’s my responsible one.” “He’s the creative child.” “She’s the athlete in the family.” “He’s my little comedian.” These labels might seem harmless or even positive, but research shows that assigning family roles can significantly increase sibling rivalry by creating a sense that children need to compete for different types of recognition and that there’s only room for one child to excel in each area.
When parents consistently label children, several problematic dynamics emerge. First, children begin to feel like they need to maintain their assigned role to keep their special place in the family. The “responsible one” feels pressure to always be perfect and never make mistakes. The “funny one” feels like they can’t be taken seriously. The “athletic one” might avoid trying other activities for fear of losing their identity.
Second, labels create artificial scarcity around different qualities and interests. If one child is “the artist,” other children might avoid creative pursuits because that territory already belongs to their sibling. If one child is “the smart one,” others might not try as hard academically because they believe academic success isn’t their role in the family. This limits all children’s potential and creates unnecessary competition.
Research from 2025 shows that agreeable and responsible children tend to be favored by parents regardless of birth order or gender. When these natural tendencies get labeled and reinforced, other children in the family can feel like there’s no way for them to earn the same level of appreciation and approval. They might either try desperately to compete in the same area (leading to intense rivalry) or completely give up and act out in negative ways to get attention.
Labels also prevent children from developing a full sense of themselves. Real people are complex and multifaceted—your “athletic” child might also love reading, your “quiet” child might have strong leadership skills, your “responsible” child might benefit from learning to be more spontaneous. When we reduce children to single characteristics, we limit their growth and self-understanding.
Instead of labels, try acknowledging specific behaviors and efforts. “I noticed how carefully you organized your room today” is more helpful than “You’re so organized.” “You worked really hard on that math problem” encourages effort more than “You’re so smart.” “I saw you help your brother when he was frustrated” recognizes kindness without making it someone’s permanent identity.
The goal is helping each child see themselves as a complete person with many different strengths and areas for growth, rather than as the family representative of particular qualities. This reduces the competition between siblings because there’s room for everyone to be good at multiple things.
Breaking the Cycle
If you recognize yourself in any of these patterns, take a deep breath. Every parent makes these mistakes sometimes—they come from a place of love and a desire to create harmony in the family. The awareness that these approaches might be backfiring is actually the first step toward creating healthier family dynamics.
Research consistently shows that sibling relationships can be incredibly beneficial for children’s development when they’re characterized more by cooperation and affection than by chronic conflict and competition. Siblings can be each other’s first friends, greatest allies, and most important sources of support throughout life. The goal isn’t to eliminate all conflict—some disagreement and negotiation is normal and healthy. The goal is to create conditions where your children can develop a basically positive relationship with each other that will serve them throughout their lives.
Start with small changes. Notice when you’re about to make a comparison and pause. When children come to you with a conflict, take a breath before jumping in to solve it. Pay attention to the positive interactions between your children and acknowledge them. Remember that your children don’t need identical treatment—they need individualized love and attention that meets their specific needs and developmental stages.
Most importantly, trust that your children are capable of learning to get along with each other when given the right guidance and support. The sibling relationship is one of their most important training grounds for all future relationships. By avoiding these common mistakes and instead focusing on teaching cooperation, empathy, and conflict resolution skills, you’re giving your children tools they’ll use for the rest of their lives.
The house might not be perfectly quiet, and your children might still disagree sometimes—but those disagreements can become opportunities for growth rather than sources of chronic family stress. And years from now, when your children are adults who genuinely enjoy each other’s company, you’ll be glad you invested in helping them build a strong foundation for their lifelong relationship.
I’d love to hear from you: Which of these mistakes do you find yourself making most often? Have you noticed changes in your children’s relationship when you’ve adjusted your approach to sibling conflicts? Share your experiences in the comments below—your insights might help another parent who’s struggling with constant sibling battles.
And if this post helped you see sibling rivalry from a new perspective, please share it with a parent who might benefit from understanding how their responses might be affecting their children’s relationships. Sometimes we all need a fresh look at family dynamics to create the peaceful home we’re hoping for.