You’re at a dinner party, and you mention that you recently got a promotion at work. Your friend Sarah immediately laughs and says, “Wow, they must have been really desperate if they picked you!” Everyone chuckles awkwardly, and when you look hurt, she quickly adds, “I’m just kidding! You know I’m joking, right? You’re so sensitive!”
The comment stings, but you find yourself questioning your reaction. Was she really just joking? Are you being too sensitive? By the end of the evening, what should have been a celebration of your achievement has turned into self-doubt about whether you deserve the promotion and whether your emotional response was appropriate.
Or perhaps it’s your longtime friend Mark, who has a habit of making comments about your dating life. “Still single? I guess your standards are just too high for your league,” he says with a laugh at a group gathering. When others look uncomfortable, he shrugs and says, “What? We’re close enough that I can joke about this stuff. He knows I don’t mean anything by it.”
These scenarios highlight one of the most insidious forms of social aggression: toxic comments disguised as humor. Unlike direct insults or obvious cruelty, these statements hide behind the shield of comedy, making them difficult to address and leaving victims questioning their own perceptions.
The Psychology Behind Aggressive Humor
Research in psychology has extensively studied the darker side of humor and its impact on relationships and mental health. The aggressive and self-defeating humor styles are injurious forms of humor that are used to enhance the self or strengthen relationships with others, respectively. Dr. Rod A. Martin’s foundational research on humor styles identifies aggressive humor as one of the four primary ways people use comedy, and it’s the style most commonly employed in toxic relationships.
Studies consistently show that aggressive humor—defined as the use of humor to criticize, manipulate, or demean others—is associated with significant psychological harm both for those who use it and those who are targeted by it. We expect that this dimension of humor is positively related to neuroticism and particularly hostility, anger, and aggression, and negatively related to relationship satisfaction, agreeableness, and conscientiousness. This research reveals that what appears to be “just joking” often serves much deeper psychological functions related to power, control, and social dominance.
Neurological research provides even more compelling evidence of how hostile humor affects us. Hostile jokes (HJs) provide aggressive catharsis and a feeling of superiority. Behavioral research has found that HJs are perceived as funnier than non-hostile jokes. This finding suggests that aggressive humor isn’t just accidentally harmful—it’s psychologically rewarding for those who use it, which explains why toxic individuals often escalate their behavior when they get positive social reactions.
The gender dynamics of aggressive humor are particularly noteworthy. Past research has shown that males tend to engage in higher levels of aggressive humor than females, and are more physically and verbally aggressive in general. Men are also more likely to appreciate and have a stronger preference for hostile forms of humor. However, recent research reveals that the social context significantly affects these patterns, with different consequences for men and women who employ aggressive humor strategies.
For men, aggressive humor was negatively associated with social connectedness when subjective social status was low or medium, but the association was not significant when subjective social status was high. For women, aggressive humor was not associated with social connectedness regardless of status. This research suggests that toxic humor affects relationships differently based on gender and social position, but it consistently undermines genuine connection and intimacy.
The Disguise Makes It More Damaging
What makes humor-disguised toxicity particularly harmful is how it exploits our social understanding of comedy and friendship. When someone says something hurtful and then claims it was “just a joke,” they’re using our cultural norms around humor to avoid accountability for their words while still delivering psychological harm.
Research on hurtful communication reveals how this dynamic works. Their findings indicated that humorously phrased remarks were generally associated with more favorable interpretations, with recipients less likely to attribute malicious intent to the speaker. This use of humor appeared to offer communicative benefits by softening the emotional impact. However, this “softening” effect often works in favor of the aggressor, not the victim, because it makes the harmful content harder to address directly.
The protective mechanism of humor creates a psychological double-bind for victims. If you respond to the hurtful content, you’re accused of “not being able to take a joke” or being “too sensitive.” If you don’t respond, you internalize the harmful message without the social support you might receive if the aggression were delivered more directly. This dynamic is particularly insidious because it isolates victims and makes them doubt their own perceptions.
Studies on relational humor demonstrate the profound impact these patterns have on relationship quality. Perceived partner’s positive relational humor use predicted greater relationship satisfaction, and perceived partner’s negative relational humor use predicted diminished relationship satisfaction. Further, relational uncertainty mediated relationships between perceived partner humor use and relationship satisfaction. This research shows that toxic humor doesn’t just cause momentary hurt feelings—it erodes the fundamental trust and security that healthy relationships require.
The psychological mechanism becomes even more complex when we consider the social context. An independent study demonstrated that the social norm of tolerating sexist humor is significantly associated with aggression in external behavior. When groups normalize aggressive humor, they create environments where emotional harm becomes socially acceptable, making it even more difficult for individuals to recognize and respond to toxic behavior.
The 8 Things Toxic Friends Say Disguised as Jokes
1. Attacks on Your Achievements and Capabilities
“You got promoted? Wow, they must really be lowering their standards!” or “I guess anyone can get into grad school these days” are classic examples of achievement-undermining humor. These statements appear to be playful teasing but actually serve to diminish your accomplishments and plant seeds of self-doubt about your capabilities.
Research on social comparison theory explains why this type of humor is particularly damaging. When friends consistently undermine your achievements through “joking” comments, they’re engaging in downward social comparison—attempting to elevate themselves by positioning you as inferior. The humor disguise makes this comparison seem playful rather than competitive, but the psychological impact remains significant.
The neurological research on humor appreciation provides insight into why people use this strategy. Studies show that hostile humor activates brain regions associated with feelings of superiority and social dominance. When someone makes a joke at the expense of your achievements, they’re literally experiencing neurological rewards for diminishing you, which explains why these patterns often escalate over time.
The cumulative effect of achievement-undermining humor can be profound. Victims often report decreased confidence in their abilities, increased imposter syndrome, and reluctance to share good news with friends who might respond negatively. This creates a cycle where your successes become sources of anxiety rather than celebration, fundamentally altering your relationship with your own accomplishments.
What makes this particularly toxic in friendships is the violation of the supportive role that healthy friends typically play. Research consistently shows that social support for achievements is crucial for mental health and continued motivation. When friends consistently respond to your successes with disguised criticism, they’re failing to provide the validation and celebration that friendship relationships are supposed to offer.
2. Comments About Your Physical Appearance or Personal Choices
“That outfit is… interesting. Very brave of you!” or “I could never eat like you do and still fit in my clothes—you’re so lucky you don’t care about that stuff!” These comments disguised as jokes target your appearance, lifestyle choices, or personal preferences while maintaining plausible deniability through humor.
Research on body image and social relationships reveals how damaging these comments can be, even when delivered with apparent lightness. Studies show that repeated negative comments about appearance, even when framed as jokes, contribute to decreased self-esteem, body dissatisfaction, and in some cases, disordered eating patterns. The humor disguise doesn’t diminish the psychological impact—it often intensifies it by making the victim feel like they can’t respond appropriately.
The psychological mechanism behind appearance-focused humor often involves projection and competition. Research on female friendships specifically identifies appearance-related teasing as a common form of relational aggression, where individuals attempt to establish social hierarchy through subtle put-downs about physical attributes or personal choices.
These comments are particularly insidious because they target aspects of identity that are often sources of personal insecurity. When delivered as jokes, they exploit the victim’s vulnerabilities while preventing direct confrontation. The person making the comment can always claim they were “just being funny” or “trying to help” if challenged, leaving the victim with no appropriate way to respond.
The long-term impact of repeated appearance-focused humor can include increased social anxiety, self-consciousness, and avoidance of social situations where you might be subjected to commentary. Some individuals report changing their behavior, clothing, or lifestyle choices specifically to avoid becoming targets of their friends’ “humorous” observations.
3. Undermining Your Relationships and Social Connections
“Your boyfriend seems… nice. I’m sure he has a great personality!” or “It’s so sweet how your family pretends to be interested in your hobbies” represent attempts to undermine your important relationships through seemingly innocent commentary.
Research on social support networks demonstrates how crucial our close relationships are for psychological wellbeing and life satisfaction. When toxic friends make disparaging comments about your romantic partners, family members, or other friendships—even when disguised as jokes—they’re attacking one of the fundamental sources of your emotional security and happiness.
The motivation behind relationship-undermining humor often involves jealousy, control, or attempts to isolate you from other sources of support. Psychological research on manipulation tactics identifies isolation as a key strategy used by controlling individuals to maintain influence over their targets. By making jokes that cast doubt on your other relationships, toxic friends can gradually erode your confidence in those connections.
This type of humor is particularly damaging because it plants seeds of doubt about people you care about. Even when you recognize the comments as inappropriate, repeated exposure to negative characterizations of your loved ones can unconsciously affect your perceptions and satisfaction with those relationships.
The social dynamics become even more complex when these comments are made in group settings. Other friends might laugh or remain silent, creating social pressure for you to go along with the “joke” rather than defending your relationships. This dynamic can leave you feeling isolated and unsupported even when surrounded by people you consider friends.
4. Minimizing Your Problems and Emotional Experiences
“Oh, you think you’re stressed? Wait until you have real problems like mine!” or “Must be nice to have such small problems that you can worry about stuff like that” are examples of how toxic friends minimize your legitimate concerns while disguising their dismissiveness as humor.
Research on emotional validation in relationships demonstrates how crucial it is for our psychological health to have our feelings acknowledged and respected by those close to us. When friends consistently minimize your problems through “joking” comments, they’re failing to provide the emotional support that healthy friendships require while actively undermining your trust in your own emotional experiences.
The psychological impact of having your problems consistently minimized can be significant. Studies show that individuals who regularly experience emotional invalidation develop decreased confidence in their own perceptions, increased self-doubt, and difficulty accurately assessing the severity of their life circumstances. Over time, this can lead to a pattern of minimizing your own needs and failing to seek appropriate help when facing genuine difficulties.
The competitive element in problem-minimizing humor often reflects what researchers call “oppression Olympics”—the tendency for some individuals to compete over who has more difficulties rather than offering mutual support. This dynamic transforms friendships into competitions rather than sources of comfort and understanding.
What makes this particularly toxic is how it violates the basic emotional reciprocity that healthy relationships require. While everyone needs to vent about their problems sometimes, healthy friends take turns being supportive and don’t use humor to dismiss each other’s legitimate concerns.
5. Passive-Aggressive Comments About Your Success or Happiness
“You’re always so optimistic—it must be nice to be that naive” or “Some people just have all the luck, don’t they?” represent attempts to diminish your positive experiences or personality traits through seemingly observational humor.
Research on emotional contagion and social dynamics reveals how these types of comments function to bring down the emotional tone of social interactions. Studies show that consistently negative responses to others’ positive emotions can dampen enthusiasm, decrease motivation, and create social environments where people feel uncomfortable expressing joy or satisfaction.
The psychological motivation behind success-dampening humor often involves envy and the inability to genuinely celebrate others’ good fortune. Research on social comparison and friendship quality demonstrates that healthy friends experience genuine happiness for each other’s successes, while toxic friends often feel threatened by others’ achievements or positive experiences.
These comments are particularly harmful because they target fundamental aspects of personality and temperament. When someone makes jokes about your optimism, enthusiasm, or positive outlook, they’re essentially criticizing you for traits that contribute to psychological resilience and life satisfaction. Over time, this can lead to suppressing positive emotions or feeling guilty about experiencing happiness.
The social pressure created by these comments can be significant. In group settings, they create an atmosphere where expressing genuine enthusiasm becomes socially awkward, leading to a dampening effect that affects everyone’s ability to celebrate positive experiences together.
6. Jokes That Highlight Your Insecurities or Past Mistakes
“Remember when you thought you could be a musician? That was so cute!” or “At least you’re consistent—still making the same mistakes you were five years ago!” represent attempts to weaponize your vulnerabilities and past experiences against you through humor.
Research on psychological safety in relationships demonstrates how crucial it is to feel secure in sharing vulnerabilities with close friends. When someone uses information you’ve shared in confidence to make jokes at your expense, they’re violating the trust that intimate friendships require while making it unsafe for you to be authentic in the relationship.
The psychological impact of having your insecurities targeted through humor can be profound. Studies show that when people we trust use our vulnerabilities against us, it creates lasting damage to our ability to be open in relationships and can trigger significant anxiety and self-doubt. The humor disguise makes this betrayal even more confusing and difficult to address directly.
This type of humor often involves what psychologists call “emotional warfare”—using intimate knowledge of someone’s fears, failures, or insecurities to maintain power in the relationship. The person making the joke demonstrates that they remember your vulnerable moments and are willing to use them for entertainment, creating a dynamic of emotional unsafety.
The long-term consequences can include decreased willingness to share personal information with anyone, increased social anxiety, and difficulty forming intimate relationships due to fear of having vulnerabilities exploited. Some individuals report feeling like they need to maintain a “perfect” facade to avoid giving others ammunition for future jokes.
7. Backhanded Compliments That Include Hidden Insults
“You look great! You’ve really embraced that ‘effortless’ look” or “I love how you just don’t care what anyone thinks about your choices” represent the classic backhanded compliment—statements that appear positive on the surface but contain embedded criticism.
Research on communication patterns in relationships identifies backhanded compliments as a particularly sophisticated form of emotional manipulation. These statements force the recipient into a psychological bind: responding positively accepts the implicit insult, while responding negatively makes you appear ungrateful for a “compliment.”
The neurological research on humor processing reveals why backhanded compliments are so psychologically disorienting. Your brain initially processes the positive surface content, creating a momentary positive response, but then recognizes the underlying negative message, creating confusion and emotional discomfort. This cognitive dissonance makes it difficult to respond appropriately in the moment.
The social dynamics of backhanded compliments are particularly insidious because they often occur in public settings where responding to the hidden insult would make you appear paranoid or oversensitive. This creates a situation where you must either accept the veiled criticism silently or risk social embarrassment by addressing it directly.
The cumulative effect of repeated backhanded compliments can be significant erosion of self-esteem and increased hypervigilance in social situations. You may find yourself constantly analyzing comments for hidden meanings, which can make social interactions feel exhausting and unsafe.
8. Comments That Question Your Judgment or Decision-Making Abilities
“Well, we all know how your decisions usually turn out!” or “Are you sure about that? Remember what happened last time you were ‘sure’ about something?” represent attempts to undermine your confidence in your own judgment through humorous references to past mistakes or poor outcomes.
Research on self-efficacy and decision-making confidence demonstrates how crucial it is for psychological health to trust your own judgment and feel capable of making good choices. When friends consistently make jokes that undermine your decision-making abilities, they’re attacking one of the fundamental components of psychological wellbeing and personal autonomy.
The psychological mechanism behind judgment-undermining humor often involves attempts to maintain superiority or control in the relationship. By positioning themselves as more capable of making good decisions, toxic friends can create dependency dynamics where you begin to defer to their judgment rather than trusting your own instincts.
This type of humor is particularly damaging because it affects your relationship with yourself as much as your relationship with the person making the comments. Studies show that decreased confidence in personal judgment can lead to increased anxiety, difficulty making decisions, and over-reliance on others for guidance in areas where you should feel competent and autonomous.
The long-term impact can include what researchers call “learned helplessness” in decision-making, where you become so accustomed to having your judgment questioned that you stop trusting your own instincts and defer to others even in situations where you have good information and sound reasoning.
The Neurological Impact of Disguised Aggression
Recent neuroscience research provides fascinating insights into why humor-disguised toxicity is so psychologically damaging. Studies using fMRI technology show that when we process hostile humor directed at us, our brains activate both the regions associated with humor processing and those associated with threat detection and social pain. This creates a neurological conflict that can be more distressing than direct aggression.
Understanding the Association Between Humor and Emotional Distress: The Role of Light and Dark Humor in Predicting Depression, Anxiety, and Stress demonstrates the profound impact different types of humor have on mental health. Findings from the multiple linear regression demonstrate benign humor as a protective factor of all three variables considered, while irony was positively associated with anxiety and stress. Wit was a protective factor associated with anxiety, while sarcasm was positively related to depression.
This research confirms what many victims of humor-disguised aggression intuitively understand: the problem isn’t that they “can’t take a joke,” but rather that hostile humor creates genuine psychological distress that can contribute to anxiety and depression over time. The neurological evidence validates the experience of those who find aggressive humor harmful rather than funny.
The brain imaging studies also reveal why toxic individuals continue using aggressive humor despite its harmful effects. The research shows that making hostile jokes activates reward centers in the brain, particularly regions associated with social dominance and superiority. This neurological reward system explains why people who use toxic humor often escalate their behavior when they receive positive social reactions, even if their targets are clearly hurt.
The Social Dynamics That Enable Toxic Humor
Understanding why toxic humor persists in social groups requires examining the broader social dynamics that enable and reward this behavior. Research on group psychology reveals several factors that contribute to the normalization of aggressive humor in social settings.
Interestingly, we observed greater activation in response to humor that facilitates relationships with others (self-defeating and affiliative humor) than to humor that enhances the self (self-enhancing and aggressive humor). This finding suggests that healthy humor focuses on building connections rather than establishing dominance, but social groups often reward the opposite behavior.
The bystander effect plays a crucial role in enabling toxic humor. When someone makes an aggressive joke in a group setting, others often respond with uncomfortable laughter or silence rather than directly challenging the behavior. This response pattern inadvertently reinforces the toxic behavior while leaving the target feeling isolated and unsupported.
Research on social norms and aggression demonstrates how groups can develop cultures that normalize harmful behavior. When aggressive humor becomes accepted as “just how we joke around,” it creates an environment where victims are expected to tolerate abuse as a condition of social belonging. This dynamic is particularly powerful because it frames resistance to toxic behavior as social non-compliance rather than self-protection.
The role of social status in these dynamics cannot be overlooked. Studies show that individuals with higher social status within groups are more likely to use aggressive humor and more likely to have that humor tolerated or even celebrated by others. This creates a power dynamic where those least able to defend themselves become primary targets for toxic humor.
The Long-Term Psychological Consequences
The research on the long-term effects of exposure to toxic humor reveals significant impacts on mental health, self-esteem, and relationship patterns. Studies tracking individuals over time show that regular exposure to aggressive humor in close relationships contributes to increased rates of anxiety, depression, and social withdrawal.
The impact on self-concept is particularly profound. Research demonstrates that when people we trust and consider friends regularly make jokes at our expense, it affects our fundamental sense of self-worth and belonging. The disguised nature of the aggression makes it difficult to process and respond to appropriately, leading to internalized confusion about our own value and acceptability.
Relationship patterns are also significantly affected. Individuals who have experienced toxic humor in friendships often report difficulty trusting new friends, hypervigilance about social interactions, and tendency to either become overly defensive or overly accommodating in relationships. The experience teaches inappropriate lessons about what constitutes normal friendship behavior.
The intergenerational effects are also concerning. Research shows that individuals who normalize aggressive humor in their friendships often carry these patterns into romantic relationships and parenting, perpetuating cycles of emotional harm across generations. Understanding and addressing toxic humor patterns becomes crucial not just for current wellbeing but for breaking cycles of emotional dysfunction.
Recognizing When “Just Joking” Isn’t Acceptable
Given the research on humor styles and relationship quality, it becomes clear that healthy relationships require boundaries around how humor is used. The key distinction lies not in the content of jokes but in their consistent impact on relationship dynamics and individual wellbeing.
Research provides clear criteria for distinguishing between healthy teasing among friends and toxic humor patterns. Healthy humor in relationships is characterized by mutual enjoyment, respect for boundaries, willingness to apologize when jokes miss the mark, and overall positive impact on relationship satisfaction. Toxic humor patterns involve one-sided enjoyment, violation of stated boundaries, refusal to take responsibility for harm caused, and overall negative impact on relationship quality and individual self-esteem.
The frequency and targeting of negative humor also matters significantly. While everyone makes occasional jokes that don’t land well, toxic patterns involve consistent targeting of the same individuals or themes, escalation when confronted, and use of humor to avoid accountability for other relationship problems.
The response to feedback about harmful humor is perhaps the most telling indicator. Healthy friends who are told their jokes are hurtful will apologize, adjust their behavior, and work to rebuild trust. Toxic friends will defend their right to make jokes, blame others for being “too sensitive,” and often escalate their harmful behavior in response to being confronted.
Moving Forward: Protecting Yourself from Toxic Humor
The research provides clear guidance for individuals who recognize toxic humor patterns in their relationships. The first step involves trusting your own emotional responses rather than allowing others to define your experiences as “overreacting” or “being too sensitive.” Your emotional reactions to humor are valid data about whether relationships are supporting or undermining your wellbeing.
Setting clear boundaries about humor becomes crucial for maintaining psychological health. This might involve directly stating that certain topics are off-limits for jokes, refusing to laugh at aggressive humor directed at yourself or others, or limiting time spent with individuals who consistently use humor to cause harm. The research supports the effectiveness of clear boundary-setting in reducing exposure to toxic behavior.
Building a support network that includes people who use humor in healthy, connecting ways provides an important contrast to toxic patterns. Experiencing healthy humor in relationships helps recalibrate your expectations and reminds you that friendship should enhance rather than diminish your sense of self-worth.
Professional support can be valuable for individuals who have experienced significant harm from toxic humor patterns. Therapists can help process the emotional impact, develop healthy relationship skills, and work through any trauma responses that may have developed from prolonged exposure to disguised aggression.
The ultimate goal is creating relationships characterized by mutual respect, genuine care, and humor that builds connection rather than establishing dominance. The research clearly shows that such relationships are possible and that they provide significant benefits for mental health, life satisfaction, and overall wellbeing.
Understanding the psychology behind toxic humor empowers you to make informed decisions about your relationships and protects you from internalizing harmful messages disguised as friendship. Your emotional safety and psychological wellbeing matter, regardless of how others choose to frame their harmful behavior.
I’d love to hear from you! Have you experienced toxic humor disguised as jokes in your friendships? How did you recognize the pattern and what strategies helped you address it? Share your experiences in the comments below—your insights might help someone else recognize and respond to similar dynamics.
And if this post helped you understand the difference between healthy teasing and toxic humor, please share it with someone who might benefit. Sometimes having the research and language to describe these experiences is the first step toward protecting our mental health in relationships.