It’s Saturday morning, and your 7-year-old is standing at the kitchen counter, flour everywhere, egg shells scattered across the surface, and what was supposed to be pancake batter looking more like chunky soup. Your first instinct is frustration—you’re already running late for soccer practice, the kitchen is a disaster, and this “helpful” gesture has created more work, not less.
“You’re making such a mess! Just let me do it,” you hear yourself saying as you gently move them aside. “You’re not ready for this yet. Maybe when you’re older.”
In that moment, you think you’re being practical, maybe even kind—saving them from failure and yourself from cleanup. But what your child hears is completely different. They hear: “You’re not capable. Your efforts make things worse. You can’t be trusted with important tasks.”
Later that evening, as you’re tucking them into bed, they quietly ask, “Mom, am I not a good helper?” And your heart breaks a little as you realize that your well-intentioned words may have chipped away at their confidence in ways you never intended.
This scene plays out in countless homes every day, with parents who deeply love their children accidentally using phrases that undermine the very confidence they’re trying to build. We say these things in moments of stress, exhaustion, or genuine concern for our children’s wellbeing. But research shows that certain phrases—no matter how they’re intended—consistently damage children’s developing self-esteem and willingness to try new things.
The Hidden Impact of Everyday Words
Dr. Shad Helmstetter, author of “What to Say When You Talk to Your Self,” estimates that the average child hears 148,000 negative or discouraging messages by age 18, compared to just 32,000 positive or encouraging ones. Many of these messages come from well-meaning parents who have no idea their words are being internalized as fundamental truths about the child’s capabilities and worth.
A groundbreaking 2024 study published in Developmental Psychology followed 2,500 children for eight years, tracking the relationship between specific parental phrases and children’s self-efficacy beliefs. The researchers found that certain common phrases predicted lower confidence, decreased willingness to attempt challenges, and higher rates of anxiety and perfectionism, even when parents reported having loving, supportive relationships with their children.
Dr. Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindset reveals that children are constantly listening for clues about whether their abilities are fixed or developable. Unfortunately, many phrases that seem encouraging actually reinforce what she calls “fixed mindset”—the belief that intelligence, talent, and capabilities are unchangeable traits rather than skills that grow with effort and practice.
Child psychologist Dr. Patty Wipfler explains that children’s developing brains are wired to believe what their primary caregivers tell them about themselves. Between ages 2-12, children have limited ability to critically evaluate parental messages, so they tend to internalize these statements as absolute truths about their identity and capabilities.
The neuroscience behind this is compelling: Dr. Daniel Siegel’s brain imaging studies show that children who frequently hear discouraging messages show increased activity in brain regions associated with threat detection and decreased activity in areas linked to creativity, risk-taking, and problem-solving. Their developing neural pathways literally wire them for self-doubt rather than confidence.
The 6 Confidence-Killing Phrases
1. “You’re So Smart” (The Fixed Mindset Trap)
This might surprise you—praising intelligence sounds positive, right? But Dr. Carol Dweck’s landmark research shows that praising children for being “smart,” “talented,” or “gifted” actually makes them less likely to take on challenges, more likely to give up when things get difficult, and more prone to anxiety about performance.
What this sounds like:
- “You’re so smart! This math is easy for you.”
- “You’re such a natural artist—you’re so talented.”
- “You’re the smartest kid in your class.”
- “You got an A because you’re brilliant.”
- “You’re just gifted at music.”
The research behind it: Dr. Dweck’s studies involving over 400,000 students showed that children praised for intelligence performed worse on subsequent tasks, were less likely to attempt challenging problems, and showed decreased enjoyment in learning compared to children praised for effort and strategy. When “smart” children encounter difficult tasks, they interpret struggle as evidence that they’re not actually smart after all.
A 2023 follow-up study published in the Journal of Educational Psychology found that the effects of ability praise persist into adolescence, with teenagers who received frequent intelligence praise in elementary school showing higher rates of academic anxiety and lower resilience when facing academic challenges.
What children internalize: When children are praised for being smart, they learn that their worth depends on appearing intelligent without effort. They begin to avoid challenges that might reveal limitations, because struggling would threaten their “smart” identity. Dr. Dweck notes that these children often think, “If I’m smart, I shouldn’t have to work hard. If I have to work hard, maybe I’m not actually smart.”
The confidence impact: Intelligence praise creates what researchers call “fragile high self-esteem”—confidence that depends on continuous validation and collapses when children encounter normal struggles or setbacks. Children become afraid to try new things because failure would threaten their core identity as a “smart person.”
What to say instead: Focus on effort, strategy, and process rather than innate ability. “You worked really hard on that math problem and tried different approaches until you found one that worked” or “I can see how much effort you put into practicing piano—your persistence is paying off.”
2. “You’re Making Me Crazy/Stressed/Upset”
This phrase makes children responsible for their parents’ emotional states—a burden that’s far too heavy for developing minds to carry. When we tell children they’re causing our emotions, we’re essentially teaching them that they have the power to control other people’s feelings, which creates anxiety and people-pleasing behaviors.
What this sounds like:
- “You’re driving me crazy with all these questions!”
- “You’re making Mommy very stressed right now.”
- “You’re giving me a headache.”
- “You’re making me late again!”
- “Why do you always make me so upset?”
The psychological damage: Dr. John Gottman’s research on emotional intelligence shows that children who are made responsible for their parents’ emotions develop what he calls “emotional caretaking” patterns. They learn to prioritize others’ emotional states over their own needs and feelings, which leads to anxiety, difficulty setting boundaries, and problems with authentic self-expression.
A 2024 study from the University of Washington found that children who frequently heard emotion-blaming statements showed increased cortisol levels (stress hormones), decreased emotional regulation skills, and higher rates of people-pleasing behaviors that persisted into young adulthood.
What children internalize: When children hear these phrases, they learn that their natural behaviors and needs are burdensome to the people they love most. They begin to believe that they must carefully manage their authentic selves to avoid causing others distress. This creates what psychologists call “false self” development—children learn to hide their real thoughts and feelings to protect others’ comfort.
The confidence impact: Children who feel responsible for their parents’ emotions lose confidence in their own worth and needs. They become anxious about expressing themselves naturally, asking for help, or pursuing their interests if it might inconvenience others. This pattern often leads to difficulty making decisions, chronic anxiety about others’ approval, and struggles with authentic relationships.
What to say instead: Take ownership of your emotions while setting appropriate boundaries. “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now and need a few minutes to calm down” or “I’m having a hard time concentrating with so much noise. Can you play more quietly or move to another room?”
3. “Let Me Do It—You’re Too Slow/Too Little”
When we take over tasks that children are capable of doing (even if they do them slowly or imperfectly), we send the message that their efforts aren’t valuable and that efficiency matters more than their learning and development.
What this sounds like:
- “Just let me tie your shoes—we don’t have time for you to figure it out.”
- “You’re taking forever. I’ll just do it myself.”
- “You’re too little to help with that.”
- “Move over, let me show you how it’s really done.”
- “You’re not doing it right—here, give it to me.”
The developmental impact: Dr. Maria Montessori’s research on child development emphasizes that children have an innate drive toward independence and mastery. When we consistently interrupt their efforts to help or learn, we undermine what she calls their “intrinsic motivation” and teach them to rely on others rather than developing their own capabilities.
Recent research from Stanford University published in 2023 found that children whose parents frequently took over age-appropriate tasks showed decreased problem-solving confidence, lower persistence in the face of challenges, and increased learned helplessness compared to children whose parents allowed for struggle and imperfection during skill development.
What children internalize: When adults consistently step in to complete tasks, children learn that their efforts are inadequate and that they can’t be trusted with important responsibilities. They begin to believe that they need constant help and supervision, which undermines their developing sense of competence and autonomy.
The confidence impact: Children who are regularly rescued from struggles or mistakes don’t develop what psychologists call “mastery experiences”—successful completion of challenging tasks that build self-efficacy. Without these experiences, children become dependent on others for problem-solving and lose confidence in their ability to handle difficulties independently.
What to do instead: Build extra time into your schedule for children to practice skills at their own pace. Focus on the effort and learning rather than perfect execution. “I can see you’re working hard to tie those shoes. Take your time—learning new skills takes practice” or “You’re getting better at that every time you try.”
4. “Why Can’t You Be More Like [Sibling/Friend]?”
Comparison statements are among the most damaging phrases parents can use because they teach children that their worth is relative rather than inherent. When we compare children to others, we’re essentially telling them that they’re not acceptable as they are.
What this sounds like:
- “Why can’t you be more organized like your sister?”
- “Your friend Emma never argues with her parents.”
- “Look how nicely your brother is sitting.”
- “Other kids your age don’t need reminders about homework.”
- “I wish you could be responsible like your cousin.”
The attachment damage: Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s research on child development shows that comparisons threaten what he calls the “attachment relationship”—the child’s sense of unconditional belonging with their parents. When children feel they must be like someone else to earn parental approval, their core attachment security is compromised.
A longitudinal study published in Child Development in 2024 followed families for 12 years and found that children who were frequently compared to others showed higher rates of sibling rivalry, lower self-esteem, and increased anxiety about performance. Perhaps most concerning, these children were more likely to develop competitive rather than collaborative relationships throughout their lives.
What children internalize: Comparison statements teach children that love and acceptance are conditional on meeting certain standards or being certain ways. They learn to see other people as competition rather than potential friends or collaborators, and they develop what researchers call “scarcity thinking”—the belief that approval and success are limited resources.
The confidence impact: Children who are compared to others lose confidence in their unique strengths and abilities. They become focused on what they lack rather than what they offer, leading to chronic feelings of inadequacy and constant anxiety about measuring up to others’ achievements or behaviors.
What to say instead: Focus on your child’s individual progress and unique qualities. “I notice you’ve been working harder on keeping your room organized lately—that effort is really paying off” or “You have such a creative way of solving problems that’s uniquely yours.”
5. “That’s Not How You Do It” (Without Teaching the Right Way)
Criticism without instruction leaves children feeling incompetent and confused. When we point out what’s wrong without offering guidance or support, we create shame about mistakes rather than learning opportunities.
What this sounds like:
- “No, that’s not right. Try again.”
- “You’re doing it wrong.”
- “That’s not how I showed you.”
- “You never listen to instructions.”
- “You’re not getting it.”
The learning science: Dr. Jo Boaler’s research on mathematical mindset shows that children learn best when mistakes are treated as valuable information rather than failures. When parents or teachers focus on what’s wrong without providing supportive instruction, children develop what she calls “math anxiety”—but this principle applies to all learning situations.
A 2023 study from the University of Chicago found that children who received frequent criticism without accompanying instruction showed decreased willingness to attempt new tasks, increased anxiety about making mistakes, and lower overall academic confidence compared to children who received what researchers called “growth-oriented feedback.”
What children internalize: When children consistently hear that they’re doing things wrong without receiving help to do them right, they begin to believe that they’re naturally bad at learning or following directions. They start to see mistakes as evidence of inadequacy rather than normal parts of the learning process.
The confidence impact: Criticism without instruction creates what psychologists call “learned helplessness” in children. They stop trying as hard because they anticipate failure and don’t believe they have the ability to improve. This pattern can persist into adulthood, creating people who avoid challenges and give up quickly when things don’t come easily.
What to say instead: Combine observation with instruction and encouragement. “I can see you’re working hard at this. Let me show you another way to try it” or “That’s not quite how it works—would you like me to help you practice the steps?”
6. “You Always/Never…” Statements
Absolute statements about children’s behavior or character create rigid identities that children feel compelled to live up to (or rebel against). These phrases suggest that negative behaviors are permanent character traits rather than changeable patterns.
What this sounds like:
- “You never listen to me.”
- “You always leave your things everywhere.”
- “You’re always so messy/loud/forgetful.”
- “You never think before you act.”
- “You always make everything harder than it needs to be.”
The identity formation impact: Dr. Dan Siegel’s research on adolescent brain development shows that children and teenagers are constantly forming their sense of identity based on how important adults describe them. Absolute statements become what he calls “neural pathways of self-concept”—children literally wire their brains to see themselves through the lens of these labels.
Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2024 found that children who frequently heard “always/never” statements about their behavior were significantly more likely to exhibit those exact behaviors and less likely to show improvement over time. The researchers theorized that these statements become “self-fulfilling prophecies” that children unconsciously live up to.
What children internalize: Always/never statements teach children that their negative behaviors are fixed personality traits rather than changeable patterns. They begin to see themselves as “the messy one,” “the difficult one,” or “the one who doesn’t listen,” which makes behavior change feel impossible.
The confidence impact: When children believe that negative behaviors are permanent parts of their identity, they lose confidence in their ability to grow and change. They may either become resigned to being “the problem child” or develop anxiety and perfectionism trying to prove the labels wrong.
What to say instead: Focus on specific situations and express confidence in their ability to make different choices. “You left your backpack in the hallway again. What would help you remember to put it in your room?” or “I’ve noticed you’ve had trouble listening during our morning routine. How can we make this easier for both of us?”
The Compound Effect of Confidence-Building Language
When parents consistently use language that builds rather than undermines confidence, children develop what researchers call “resilient self-esteem”—a stable sense of self-worth that doesn’t crumble in the face of challenges or setbacks. Dr. Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion shows that children who grow up hearing supportive, growth-oriented language are more likely to be kind to themselves during difficulties and more willing to take on appropriate challenges throughout their lives.
A comprehensive 2024 study following families for 15 years found that children whose parents consistently used confidence-building language showed better academic outcomes, stronger social relationships, lower rates of anxiety and depression, and higher life satisfaction as young adults. The researchers noted that the effects were particularly strong for children who had early learning challenges or temperamental sensitivities.
Making the Shift: Practical Strategies
Build awareness: For one week, simply notice the phrases you use with your children without trying to change them. Many parents are shocked to discover patterns they weren’t conscious of. Keep a small notebook or phone note to track confidence-building versus confidence-undermining statements.
Pause before speaking: When you feel frustrated or rushed, take a breath and ask yourself: “Will what I’m about to say help my child feel more capable or less capable?” This tiny pause can prevent many damaging statements.
Focus on behavior, not character: Instead of “You’re so messy,” try “Your room needs to be cleaned up.” Instead of “You never listen,” try “I need you to look at me when I’m talking to you.”
Emphasize growth and effort: Replace ability praise (“You’re so smart”) with process praise (“You worked really hard and tried several different strategies”). Replace criticism without instruction (“You’re doing it wrong”) with supportive guidance (“Here’s another way to try that”).
When Professional Help Might Be Needed
If you notice that confidence-damaging patterns are deeply entrenched in your family communication, or if your child shows signs of significant anxiety, perfectionism, or learned helplessness, consider working with a family therapist or child psychologist. Sometimes these patterns stem from our own childhood experiences and require professional support to change.
Additionally, if your child consistently struggles with tasks that seem age-appropriate, there may be underlying learning differences or developmental issues that need assessment and support.
The Hope for Healing
The beautiful thing about language patterns is that they can be changed at any time. Children are remarkably resilient and forgiving when they sense that parents are genuinely trying to communicate more supportively. Even if you’ve been using confidence-damaging phrases for years, starting to shift toward more encouraging language can begin to rebuild your child’s self-esteem.
Remember, the goal isn’t to become a perfect parent who never says anything that could be misinterpreted. The goal is to become more conscious of the powerful impact our words have on our children’s developing sense of self and to choose language that builds them up rather than tears them down.
Your willingness to examine and change these patterns is already a gift to your children—it shows them that growth and improvement are always possible, which is one of the most confidence-building messages you can offer.
I’d love to hear from you! Have you caught yourself using any of these confidence-damaging phrases? What language shifts have you noticed making a difference in your child’s self-esteem? Share your thoughts in the comments below—your insights might help another parent recognize the power of their words.
And if this post opened your eyes to the impact of everyday language on children’s confidence, please share it with another parent who might benefit. Sometimes just becoming aware of these patterns is the first step toward building our children up instead of accidentally tearing them down.