It’s Sunday morning, and you’re making pancakes for the family. Your oldest daughter walks into the kitchen, notices you’re adding extra chocolate chips to her younger brother’s stack, and her face immediately changes. “Of course Max gets the special ones,” she mutters under her breath. “He always gets everything better.”
Your heart sinks. You weren’t even thinking about it—Max mentioned yesterday that he loved chocolate chip pancakes, so you thought you’d surprise him. But now you’re faced with your daughter’s hurt expression and the uncomfortable realization that she might be right about a pattern you didn’t even know existed.
Later that day, Max comes to you beaming about getting picked for the school soccer team. You’re genuinely excited and spend ten minutes celebrating with him, asking about tryouts and teammates. But when your daughter shares that she made honor roll—again—you give her a quick “That’s great, honey!” before returning to your phone. In that moment, you don’t realize you’ve just reinforced exactly what she’s been feeling: that her achievements matter less than his.
Sound familiar? You’re not alone in this challenge. Research reveals that being perceived as the “favorite child” is far more common—and complicated—than most families realize. What makes this particularly difficult is that favoritism often happens unconsciously, through small daily interactions that accumulate over time into patterns that deeply affect our children’s sense of self and their relationships with siblings.
The Hidden Reality of Family Favoritism
Before we dive into solutions, let’s get honest about what we’re dealing with. Seventy percent of mothers who participated in the survey admitted to having a favorite child, according to research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family. Even more telling, research indicates that a significant percentage of individuals raised with siblings—ranging from 40% to 65%—report experiencing parental favoritism weekly.
These aren’t necessarily parents who set out to play favorites. This behavior can manifest subtly or overtly and is often unintentional. It might be the child whose personality naturally meshes better with yours, the one whose achievements come easier to celebrate, or the one whose needs feel less demanding in the moment.
But here’s what makes this issue particularly crucial to address: adult children’s recollections of their mothers’ favoritism in childhood continue to shape their relations with siblings in adulthood. The patterns we establish now don’t just affect today’s family dynamics—they create ripple effects that can last a lifetime.
Research consistently shows that favoritism can shape childhood relationships, self-esteem, and even adult mental health. Americans who grew up in families that perceived their parents had a favorite were much less close to their siblings when they were growing up than were those who do not believe their parents had a favorite child. The cost of unaddressed favoritism extends far beyond childhood hurt feelings.
Why Being the “Favorite” Isn’t Always a Gift
One of the most misunderstood aspects of family favoritism is assuming that the “favorite” child escapes unscathed. The reality is much more complex. The favored child may often feel both positive (e.g., greater security and adoration) and negative (e.g., sibling jealousy and greater obligation to parents) consequences associated with parental favoritism.
Children who perceive themselves as favorites often carry invisible burdens:
The pressure to maintain their status: They may feel they need to continue being “perfect” to keep their special position, leading to anxiety and perfectionism.
Guilt about their siblings’ pain: Sensitive children often recognize when their siblings are hurting and feel responsible for that pain, even when it’s not their fault.
Fear of losing favor: They may become hypervigilant about their parents’ moods and reactions, constantly monitoring to ensure they haven’t done anything to lose their special status.
Impaired sibling relationships: The joy of their accomplishments becomes tainted by their siblings’ resentment, making genuine connection difficult.
Unrealistic expectations: They may grow up believing they should always be special or preferred in relationships, struggling when they encounter normal social dynamics.
Understanding this complexity is crucial because it means that addressing favoritism isn’t just about protecting the “non-favorite” children—it’s about creating healthier dynamics for everyone in the family.
The 6 Essential Steps for Healing Family Favoritism
1. Acknowledge the Pattern Without Shame
The first and perhaps most difficult step is getting honest about favoritism patterns in your family. This isn’t about labeling yourself as a bad parent or diving into guilt—favoritism isn’t permanent. With awareness and intentional parenting, families can heal wounds.
Start with self-reflection:
- Which child do you find easier to connect with and why?
- Whose achievements do you naturally celebrate more enthusiastically?
- Which child’s emotional needs feel more manageable to you?
- When you’re stressed, which child gets more patience and which gets more irritation?
Look at your daily interactions:
- Track your conversations for a week—who gets more positive attention?
- Notice your body language and tone when talking to each child
- Pay attention to how you distribute privileges, responsibilities, and consequences
- Observe whose opinions you seek out more often
The goal isn’t to achieve perfect equality in every moment—that’s neither realistic nor necessary. Research shows that “When parents are more loving and they’re more supportive and consistent with all of the kids, the favoritism tends to not matter as much”. The key insight from child development experts is: “you need to treat them fairly, but not equally. If you focus on it being okay to treat them differently because they’re different people and have different needs, that’s OK”.
What acknowledgment looks like: “I’ve noticed that I tend to get more excited about your brother’s soccer games than your art projects, and I want to understand why that is and change it.”
“I realize I’ve been asking you to be the ‘responsible one’ more often than your sister, and that’s not fair to put that pressure on you.”
2. Have Individual Conversations with Each Child
Once you’ve identified patterns, it’s time for honest, age-appropriate conversations with your children. This step requires courage because you’re acknowledging your imperfections as a parent, but it’s also incredibly healing.
For the child who feels less favored: Start by validating their experience without defensiveness. When parental favoritism is perceived, the nonfavored child may often feel inferior, angry, and depressed, as well as unattractive and incompetent. Their feelings are real and deserve acknowledgment.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said about your brother getting more attention, and I want you to know that your feelings make complete sense. I can see how my actions have made you feel like you matter less, and that was never my intention, but I understand why it felt that way.”
For the child who’s been favored: This conversation requires particular sensitivity because you’re not taking away their special status—you’re helping them understand the fuller picture.
“I want to talk to you about something I’ve realized about our family. Sometimes I think I’ve put extra pressure on you to be perfect, and I’ve also noticed that this might be hard on your relationship with your sister. I love you exactly as you are, not because of what you accomplish.”
Key principles for these conversations:
- Take full responsibility without making the child console you
- Ask what they’ve noticed about family patterns
- Listen more than you speak
- Avoid comparing children to each other
- Make specific commitments about changes you’ll make
3. Celebrate Each Child’s Unique Strengths Intentionally
One of the most effective ways to combat favoritism is developing what child psychologists call “individual celebration”—the practice of recognizing and honoring each child’s distinct qualities and achievements with equal enthusiasm, even when those achievements look completely different.
Create celebration equity: If you spend ten minutes hearing about one child’s soccer practice, invest ten minutes in hearing about another child’s art project. The content matters less than the attention and enthusiasm you bring.
Develop appreciation for different types of achievements:
- Academic success vs. social kindness vs. creative expression vs. physical accomplishments
- Big, public achievements vs. quiet, personal growth
- Natural talents vs. hard-won improvements vs. character development
Practice specific appreciation: Instead of generic praise, notice and celebrate specific qualities: “I love how carefully you explained that math concept to your brother—you’re really good at teaching.” “The way you stood up for your friend at lunch showed real courage.” “Your creativity in solving that problem was amazing to watch.”
Address the comparison trap: Children naturally compare themselves to siblings, but parents can either fuel or defuse these comparisons. Research shows that when parents consistently highlight each child’s individual journey rather than relative performance, children develop stronger self-esteem and better sibling relationships.
Replace: “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” With: “You’re working so hard on this. I can see how much effort you’re putting in.”
Replace: “Your brother never has to be reminded to do homework.” With: “Let’s figure out a system that works better for your learning style.”
4. Implement Fair but Individual Treatment
The distinction between equal treatment and fair treatment is crucial for families healing from favoritism patterns. “Some parents feel like ‘I need to treat them the same.’ What I would say is ‘No you need to treat them fairly, but not equally'”, explains Dr. Alexander Jensen from research published in the Journal of Adolescence.
What fair but individual treatment looks like:
Different privileges based on developmental needs:
- A 16-year-old gets a later bedtime than a 12-year-old—that’s fair, not favoritism
- Different children get different amounts of help with homework based on their learning needs
- Consequences match both the child’s developmental stage and their individual learning style
Matching support to individual needs:
- Your anxious child might need more reassurance before new situations
- Your impulsive child might need more structured guidance around decisions
- Your perfectionistic child might need encouragement to take risks and make mistakes
Family contributions based on abilities:
- Older children take on more responsibilities, but younger children contribute meaningfully too
- Children with different strengths contribute in different ways (one might be better at organizing, another at physical tasks)
The key principle: Each child should feel that their parents understand their unique needs and respond accordingly, rather than feeling like they’re getting less because they’re worth less.
5. Repair Sibling Relationships Damaged by Favoritism
The sibling relationship is likely to last longer than any other relationship in one’s lifetime and plays an integral part in the lives of families. When favoritism has damaged these crucial relationships, intentional repair work is necessary.
Address the dynamic directly: “I’ve realized that some of my choices have made it harder for you two to enjoy each other’s company. I want to help fix that because your relationship with each other is so important.”
Stop comparative language immediately:
- No more “Why can’t you be more like your brother?”
- No more “Your sister would never do that”
- No more ranking children’s achievements or behavior publicly
Create opportunities for positive sibling interactions:
- Plan activities that highlight different children’s strengths
- Encourage siblings to teach each other skills
- Celebrate moments when they support each other
- Help them develop shared positive memories
Model healthy conflict resolution: When siblings do have conflicts, resist the urge to automatically side with the child you typically favor. Instead, help them work through problems together: “It sounds like you both have important points. Let’s figure out a solution that works for everyone.”
Individual relationship building: Sometimes parents need to actively work on their relationship with the child who’s felt less favored. This might involve:
- One-on-one time focused entirely on their interests
- Learning about their world (friends, hobbies, concerns)
- Asking for their opinions and really listening to the answers
- Finding activities you both genuinely enjoy together
6. Create New Family Patterns That Prevent Future Favoritism
The goal isn’t just to address current favoritism—it’s to create sustainable family patterns that prevent it from recurring as children grow and change.
Establish regular one-on-one time with each child: Research consistently shows that individual attention is one of the most powerful ways to build children’s self-esteem and prevent sibling rivalry. Even 15 minutes of undivided attention can be incredibly meaningful.
Rotate special privileges and responsibilities:
- Who chooses the family movie this week
- Who gets to help with cooking dinner
- Who gets the front seat on car rides
- Who shares about their day first at dinner
Develop family traditions that celebrate everyone:
- A monthly celebration where each child shares something they’re proud of
- Family meetings where everyone’s voice counts equally
- Traditions around birthdays that make each child feel truly special
- Regular family activities that play to different children’s strengths
Practice conscious parenting:
- Before reacting to a child’s behavior, pause and ask yourself if you’d respond the same way to their sibling
- When praising one child, consider whether you’ve given similar attention to their siblings recently
- Notice your own emotional responses to different children and work to manage them
- Seek feedback from your partner or trusted friends about patterns they observe
Address your own triggers: Sometimes favoritism stems from our own childhood experiences or personality preferences. Consider:
- Which child reminds you most of yourself at their age?
- Which child’s struggles trigger your own insecurities?
- How do your own sibling experiences affect your parenting?
- When might you benefit from professional support to work through these patterns?
When Professional Help Might Be Needed
While many families can successfully address favoritism patterns on their own, there are times when professional support can be incredibly valuable:
If favoritism has been severe or long-standing If one child is showing signs of depression, anxiety, or significant behavioral problems If sibling relationships have become hostile or completely disconnected If you’re struggling to change patterns despite genuine effort If favoritism is rooted in deeper family-of-origin issues
Family therapists who specialize in child development can provide:
- Neutral perspective on family dynamics
- Specific strategies tailored to your family’s needs
- Support for children who’ve been deeply affected by favoritism
- Help processing your own childhood experiences that might be influencing your parenting
Remember, seeking help isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a sign of love and commitment to your family’s wellbeing.
The Ripple Effect of Healing Favoritism
When families successfully address favoritism patterns, the positive effects extend far beyond just feeling better in the moment:
Children develop stronger self-esteem: When children feel valued for who they are rather than how they compare to siblings, they develop more stable self-worth that isn’t dependent on external validation.
Sibling relationships improve: Among those who believe their parents had a favorite child, only 30 percent say they were very close to their siblings growing up. By addressing favoritism, you’re investing in your children’s lifelong relationships with each other.
Family stress decreases: When everyone feels valued and heard, daily family interactions become more peaceful and enjoyable.
Children learn healthy relationship skills: They observe how to treat people fairly, how to appreciate individual differences, and how to repair relationships when mistakes are made.
Generational patterns change: Children who grow up in families that successfully address favoritism are less likely to repeat these patterns with their own children.
Moving Forward with Hope and Intention
Recognizing favoritism in your family isn’t easy, but it’s one of the most loving things you can do for your children. The good news? Favoritism isn’t permanent. With awareness and intentional parenting, families can heal wounds.
Remember that perfect equality isn’t the goal—genuine care, individual attention, and fair treatment are what matter. Your children don’t need you to be flawless; they need you to be aware, responsive, and committed to their wellbeing.
Every family will look different in how they address these patterns. What matters most is that you’re approaching this challenge with honesty, compassion for yourself and your children, and a commitment to creating a family environment where everyone feels truly valued.
The fact that you’re reading this and reflecting on these patterns shows that you already have the most important ingredient for change: the willingness to examine your parenting and make adjustments for your children’s benefit.
Your children’s relationship with each other and their individual self-worth are worth the effort this work requires. And the beautiful truth is that families who do this work often become closer and more connected than they’ve ever been before.
I’d love to hear from you! Have you noticed favoritism patterns in your own family? What strategies have worked for creating more balanced family dynamics? Share your experiences in the comments below—your insights might be exactly what another parent needs to hear today.
And if this post gave you new perspective on family dynamics, please share it with a parent who might benefit. Sometimes just knowing that these patterns are common and changeable is the first step toward creating the family environment we all want for our children.